This morning I have been blissfully overwhelmed by the loving care my husband gives me I got a low grade fever last night and was very sick and he took me to bed and lovingly cared for me. And this morning he made sure I was okay and went off to work to provide for our family. I could not ask for more in my life than a man who does so much for me. I have always wondered if this life i now have would ever be mine. As a young woman I didnt want to get married or have children mostly because i was afraid of being hurt and thought that no one would want to love me with all my baggage. But then God surprised me as He always does and put my "plans" to the wind and brought me a life I secretly wanted so badly.
Aaron has a way of helping me through my moods like no one ever has and because of him i am living a more fulfilled life.
now to add a little something extra; i am sure that there are people out there who think someone with bipolar or any mental illness are not fit nor should have children, but i beg to differ. I read a story of woman who became pregnant then a few months later discovered she had cancer so to protect her child she restrained from treatment so her child would live even though she knew doing so would end her life. And so I have done even in a very small way, I am currently not on treatment for Bipolar so to protect my child. So who has the right to say that i am not fit to be a parent? As humans we think that we have that power but in this case no one has that right except for me. I have fears just like any expectant parent, and I am no different than any other mother. I wish more people knew the real me, and mostly this is my fault because i kept my real struggles hidden for so long and conformed to how others wanted me to be. And so suddenly me becoming pregnant is a real shock to some that are close to me, but i can say with confidence that this is what God has planned for me. Yes i am scared but Christ lives in me and with that i have the ability to be a good mother. Being a parent isnt easy and having bipolar and being a parent will add extra challenges but if this is God's plan and i know it is He will equip me to be the parent He wants me to be giving me the tools that will guide me through the hard times.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Saturday, December 17, 2011
settleing down and pregnancy stress
well Aaron and i finally found a place and moved in December 3rd, and we are so happy to be finally home!!! It was so hard not having a place to live my anxiety and stress was skyrocketing i was at a breaking point and suddenly the Lord opened up the perfect little place to start our family. Since moving in my moods have started to stabilize but being with out my meds has been a real challenge sometimes. All that gets me through it is that going with out my meds is better for the baby. but i have to be honest that sometimes i just loose it and want to take them and i sit and cry then Aaron comes to me and holds me and tells me it is going to be okay and i get on with another day. Being pregnant and having Bipolar is so hard and part of me is not sure i can go through this again. I love the excitement of becoming a mother and having that beautiful child to hold. I never thought that this would happen to me and i wasn't sure i even wanted it or was capable of being a mother but I feel so sure that God has great plans for me; plans I never even dreamed about but secretly in my heart of hearts wanted so desperately.
I love waking up and seeing Aaron sleeping beside me and knowing that their is a baby being created inside me. My life has turned into one that i am in awe of everyday because i imagined a very different life for myself, and looking back i am so glad that my plans didnt work out because in spite of my present afflictions the future is bright and i can't wait to see what it's lights have prepared for me.
Today i am in bed as my morning sickness has taken over my day, and i am trying to prevent a mood coming on, but in spite of all of this i am so happy to have my home to take care of and my wonderful husband beside me taking such good care of me. Even though my bipolar is trying to keep me down i will never let it win!!!!
For those who reading this who maybe struggling with anything similar and wonder how to get through it, i can say with confidence what gets me through each day is a constant prayer and conversation with my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ without Him nothing would be what it is today.
I love waking up and seeing Aaron sleeping beside me and knowing that their is a baby being created inside me. My life has turned into one that i am in awe of everyday because i imagined a very different life for myself, and looking back i am so glad that my plans didnt work out because in spite of my present afflictions the future is bright and i can't wait to see what it's lights have prepared for me.
Today i am in bed as my morning sickness has taken over my day, and i am trying to prevent a mood coming on, but in spite of all of this i am so happy to have my home to take care of and my wonderful husband beside me taking such good care of me. Even though my bipolar is trying to keep me down i will never let it win!!!!
For those who reading this who maybe struggling with anything similar and wonder how to get through it, i can say with confidence what gets me through each day is a constant prayer and conversation with my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ without Him nothing would be what it is today.
Friday, November 18, 2011
Wanting to settle down
Aaron and I have been staying with a friend since the beginning of september and now we are trying to get into our place. We will find out sometime next week if we got this place or not. Not having our own place and a since of routine has been so hard for me, the stress always sets off my moods. And not having my meds when a mood hits has been so hard i cry to my husband that i just want my pills cause i feel if i can only take one it can make everything better but i know that isn't so. I wish i was still on my meds but being pregnant doesn't allow that.
Being pregnant is such a gift but i have had a hard time really enjoying it sometimes when i am throwing up or just so tired that i can't get out of bed. I know when i get to see the face of my beautiful baby this will all seem so small. But today I am weary of this and wish that i had more joy to embrace the miracle happening inside me. I wish i could be like all the regular expectant mothers who don't have bipolar and can just embrace this with joy and excitement but many times i can't. I don't want to have bipolar anymore I wish that after this beautiful baby is born i would never have to take another pill again, but i know that can't happen. and i have to learn to live with this or it will consume me.
God is with me and i feel him daily comforting me. I have drawn closer to God thru this time and found peace in His holy word. I will continue to draw near to God i don't want to let the depression take me over i know it is not more powerful that His spirit inside me, and i will continue to say this even when i feel i can't believe any more.
God is for me who can be against me. Well for now i am holding tight to God's word and his comfort.
Being pregnant is such a gift but i have had a hard time really enjoying it sometimes when i am throwing up or just so tired that i can't get out of bed. I know when i get to see the face of my beautiful baby this will all seem so small. But today I am weary of this and wish that i had more joy to embrace the miracle happening inside me. I wish i could be like all the regular expectant mothers who don't have bipolar and can just embrace this with joy and excitement but many times i can't. I don't want to have bipolar anymore I wish that after this beautiful baby is born i would never have to take another pill again, but i know that can't happen. and i have to learn to live with this or it will consume me.
God is with me and i feel him daily comforting me. I have drawn closer to God thru this time and found peace in His holy word. I will continue to draw near to God i don't want to let the depression take me over i know it is not more powerful that His spirit inside me, and i will continue to say this even when i feel i can't believe any more.
God is for me who can be against me. Well for now i am holding tight to God's word and his comfort.
Monday, October 31, 2011
pregnancy worries and surging emotions
well i have somewhat lost my joy in the darkness right now. Being pregnant is turning out a lot harder than i thought it would be not to mention i keep having nightmares that have been ruining my sleep for the past week. sorry readers nothing encouraging to say today. I hate being stuck in bed and waking up at 6 am puking and coughing non stop till 730. I know that the only way i am going to get through this is with the Lord, but sometimes i get weary of having faith and relying on help. And right now it feels like all i do is ask for help. My husband has been taking care of me so much and my mom gets really worried about me and there is nothing i can do to encourage them and thank them. so today as i do everyday i lay on my bed and watch movies and tv shows and try not to dwell on my problems but today the not dwelling part didnt happen. i am pouting and feeling sorry for myself. oh and did i mention that on top of being pregnant and nausous i have a cold....
Ok I have vented a bit, well a lot, but i really cant find anything encouraging to say. but maybe joy does come in the morning? But when does the morning come? Is it today, tomorrow, a week, a month? I dont know...but i will keep looking for the joy even though i feel like giving up.
...still looking for the morning....
Ok I have vented a bit, well a lot, but i really cant find anything encouraging to say. but maybe joy does come in the morning? But when does the morning come? Is it today, tomorrow, a week, a month? I dont know...but i will keep looking for the joy even though i feel like giving up.
...still looking for the morning....
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Staying In Bed
Well this my first whole day on bed rest and seeing as how yesterday i was totally bored and it is only 10am and i am already bored i think i may attempt to crochet something. Being on bed rest is not really my thing, and i usually find a thousand things to do everyday and work myself till i can't stand and what's really funny is right now standing is a huge effort. Sorry folks i am rambling a bit, but this is what happens when i am bored. God has a plan for all of this even though i forget if He told me or not....wow maybe I do need more rest.
But i feel God constantly with me reminding me that He will restore my health and is comforting me. Today He brought me to Psalm 71:1-21
Psalm 71
Ps 71:1 In you, O LORD, I have taken refuge; let me never be put to shame.
Ps 71:2 Rescue me and deliver me in your righteousness; turn your ear to me and save me.
Ps 71:3 Be my rock of refuge, to which I can always go; give the command to save me, for you are my rock and my fortress.
Ps 71:4 Deliver me, O my God, from the hand of the wicked, from the grasp of evil and cruel men.
Ps 71:5 For you have been my hope, O Sovereign LORD, my confidence since my youth.
Ps 71:6 From birth a I have relied on you; you brought me forth from my mother’s womb. I will ever praise you.
Ps 71:7 I have become like a portent to many, but you are my strong refuge.
Ps 71:8 My mouth is filled with your praise, declaring your splendor all day long.
Ps 71:9 Do not cast me away when I am old; i do not forsake me when my strength is gone.
Ps 71:10 For my enemies speak against me; those who wait to kill me conspire together.
Ps 71:11 They say, “God has forsaken him; pursue him and seize him, for no one will rescue him.”
Ps 71:12 Be not far from me, O God; come quickly, O my God, to help me.
Ps 71:13 May my accusers perish in shame; may those who want to harm me be covered with scorn and disgrace.
Ps 71:14 But as for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more.
Ps 71:15 My mouth will tell of your righteousness, of your salvation all day long, though I know not its measure.
Ps 71:16 I will come and proclaim your mighty acts, O Sovereign LORD; I will proclaim your righteousness, yours alone.
Ps 71:17 Since my youth, O God, you have taught me, and to this day I declare your marvelous deeds.
Ps 71:18 Even when I am old and gray, do not forsake me, O God, till I declare your power to the next generation, your might to all who are to come.
Ps 71:19 Your righteousness reaches to the skies, O God, you who have done great things. Who, O God, is like you?
Ps 71:20 Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up.
Ps 71:21 You will increase my honor and comfort me once again.
This road God has put me on is far from my comfort zone...I can't make myself snap out of this...I can't manipulate the situation to get better...i am not in control....for once in my life God has all the cards and i know that is just how it should be. God wants to be the head of my life, and i have kept him as the co-pilot but that is where i should be. God is the head of my life and i will look to Him to lead me. And having such a godly husband constantly keeps me looking to Christ. I know i am in the right place but it is hard to stay here. Well as the bed is my main hang out place right now and i am working on watching every movie we own, i will look to Christ to make me what He wants me to be, and seek His comfort and His strength, because without Him i am nothing.
But i feel God constantly with me reminding me that He will restore my health and is comforting me. Today He brought me to Psalm 71:1-21
Psalm 71
Ps 71:1 In you, O LORD, I have taken refuge; let me never be put to shame.
Ps 71:2 Rescue me and deliver me in your righteousness; turn your ear to me and save me.
Ps 71:3 Be my rock of refuge, to which I can always go; give the command to save me, for you are my rock and my fortress.
Ps 71:4 Deliver me, O my God, from the hand of the wicked, from the grasp of evil and cruel men.
Ps 71:5 For you have been my hope, O Sovereign LORD, my confidence since my youth.
Ps 71:6 From birth a I have relied on you; you brought me forth from my mother’s womb. I will ever praise you.
Ps 71:7 I have become like a portent to many, but you are my strong refuge.
Ps 71:8 My mouth is filled with your praise, declaring your splendor all day long.
Ps 71:9 Do not cast me away when I am old; i do not forsake me when my strength is gone.
Ps 71:10 For my enemies speak against me; those who wait to kill me conspire together.
Ps 71:11 They say, “God has forsaken him; pursue him and seize him, for no one will rescue him.”
Ps 71:12 Be not far from me, O God; come quickly, O my God, to help me.
Ps 71:13 May my accusers perish in shame; may those who want to harm me be covered with scorn and disgrace.
Ps 71:14 But as for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more.
Ps 71:15 My mouth will tell of your righteousness, of your salvation all day long, though I know not its measure.
Ps 71:16 I will come and proclaim your mighty acts, O Sovereign LORD; I will proclaim your righteousness, yours alone.
Ps 71:17 Since my youth, O God, you have taught me, and to this day I declare your marvelous deeds.
Ps 71:18 Even when I am old and gray, do not forsake me, O God, till I declare your power to the next generation, your might to all who are to come.
Ps 71:19 Your righteousness reaches to the skies, O God, you who have done great things. Who, O God, is like you?
Ps 71:20 Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up.
Ps 71:21 You will increase my honor and comfort me once again.
This road God has put me on is far from my comfort zone...I can't make myself snap out of this...I can't manipulate the situation to get better...i am not in control....for once in my life God has all the cards and i know that is just how it should be. God wants to be the head of my life, and i have kept him as the co-pilot but that is where i should be. God is the head of my life and i will look to Him to lead me. And having such a godly husband constantly keeps me looking to Christ. I know i am in the right place but it is hard to stay here. Well as the bed is my main hang out place right now and i am working on watching every movie we own, i will look to Christ to make me what He wants me to be, and seek His comfort and His strength, because without Him i am nothing.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
being pregnant and biploar
well it has been a few months since my last post and since then i have gotten married and now my husband and i are expecting our first child on june 7th!!!! wow what a year it has been i never thought ever in my life i would find someone who would marry me, and now i am going to be a mom!!!
when i first found out i was pregnant we went to see my psychiatrist first and she took me off my two meds i take for bipolar and let me tell you it was hard going off meds in four days!!! for all planning to be pregnant and are on any type of meds plan ahead!!! going off meds quickly is not fun!!! i was able to stay on other meds i take for other health issues, but i was still scared my moods would be really bad. but by the grace of God and how He has designed pregnancy my hormones kicked in and i have been doing very well!!!
Being pregnant is very exciting and i am so thankful i get to experience this!! I have been on bed rest cause i nearly lost the baby but God has used this as a time to draw me closer to Himself; which is something i have prayed for for a long time. Hopefully i get to get off complete bed rest next trimester, but until then i have decided to join a bible study that has a craft time so i can learn to crochet some baby stuff. And i am going to pray more and learn that i don't have to do everything myself but to fully rely on Jesus has the source of my strength. I am only human and i know God has used this to remind me of that. I push myself much further than i should most of the time and this is the first time in many years that i am forced by God to sit and rely totally on Him and embrace the wonderful things He has brought in my life this year. I am so thankful for my husband who has been there for me non-stop from the beginning i know that i could never have maintained a focus on God if not for him. And the rest of my family has been so supportive i am a very blessed woman and praise God continually for that!!!!
when i first found out i was pregnant we went to see my psychiatrist first and she took me off my two meds i take for bipolar and let me tell you it was hard going off meds in four days!!! for all planning to be pregnant and are on any type of meds plan ahead!!! going off meds quickly is not fun!!! i was able to stay on other meds i take for other health issues, but i was still scared my moods would be really bad. but by the grace of God and how He has designed pregnancy my hormones kicked in and i have been doing very well!!!
Being pregnant is very exciting and i am so thankful i get to experience this!! I have been on bed rest cause i nearly lost the baby but God has used this as a time to draw me closer to Himself; which is something i have prayed for for a long time. Hopefully i get to get off complete bed rest next trimester, but until then i have decided to join a bible study that has a craft time so i can learn to crochet some baby stuff. And i am going to pray more and learn that i don't have to do everything myself but to fully rely on Jesus has the source of my strength. I am only human and i know God has used this to remind me of that. I push myself much further than i should most of the time and this is the first time in many years that i am forced by God to sit and rely totally on Him and embrace the wonderful things He has brought in my life this year. I am so thankful for my husband who has been there for me non-stop from the beginning i know that i could never have maintained a focus on God if not for him. And the rest of my family has been so supportive i am a very blessed woman and praise God continually for that!!!!
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Together Again!!!!
Hi readers sorry i have not posted in a while. Aaron arrived a couple weeks ago and planning my wedding has taken up all my time, but as always my Bipolar always makes sure it gets to come too. Having Aaron with me most of the time now has helped me manage my moments so much, but knowing the 99% of the management is up to me is helping me make sure i don't take advantage of his kindness. Many days the last month i had some very bad mood days. They got so bad i missed work a few days because i couldn't get my mood under control. Mostly lately my moods have been depressive and those are the worst because it is like a rope is tied around my leg and it pulls me into a hole. There in that hole i sit and go deeper inside myself. i had a depressive mood for a few days last month and it was so hard to pull myself out of that hole, and looking back now it is hard to remember exactly how i did get out of it, but over all i know that in those times God is guiding me out.
I really hate being depressed it is the hardest part of bipolar for me because after the mood is over i really don't remember what i have done. Sometimes i realize that i have hurt people or said cruel things and not knowing i did that is very painful. I always pray for God to constantly keep me aware of my moods so i can turn them around before they get too bad. But then there are the other times when they come on so fast i just give in and don't fight them. Those moods where very frequent last month and i think they come more when i am stressed.
Well now that Aaron is here and we are about to get married in 25 days i am realizing that things are going to be better, but not in a way that all my moods will go away. My moods will always be here waiting to come and go as much as they want, but knowing that he will be there with me to help guide me to God when i am too weak in my mood to try to get better. I love have a partner in Christ it makes the bad times seem less intense and with the love he has for me (which i know is straight from Christ) keeps me grounded in God and daily following Christ that i may live for Christ and fight my Bipolar daily that I may use it to glorify Christ!!!
I really hate being depressed it is the hardest part of bipolar for me because after the mood is over i really don't remember what i have done. Sometimes i realize that i have hurt people or said cruel things and not knowing i did that is very painful. I always pray for God to constantly keep me aware of my moods so i can turn them around before they get too bad. But then there are the other times when they come on so fast i just give in and don't fight them. Those moods where very frequent last month and i think they come more when i am stressed.
Well now that Aaron is here and we are about to get married in 25 days i am realizing that things are going to be better, but not in a way that all my moods will go away. My moods will always be here waiting to come and go as much as they want, but knowing that he will be there with me to help guide me to God when i am too weak in my mood to try to get better. I love have a partner in Christ it makes the bad times seem less intense and with the love he has for me (which i know is straight from Christ) keeps me grounded in God and daily following Christ that i may live for Christ and fight my Bipolar daily that I may use it to glorify Christ!!!
Monday, June 13, 2011
negative or positive?
I have to say honestly that i have spent most of my life being very negative about almost everything. I have always wondered is this apart of my personality or is it just the Bipolar rearing its ugly head....well unfortunately i still don't have a clear conclusion. I get so frustrated with myself because the negative mood usually starts when i am going to do something fun. Like on Sundays for example, my mom leads worship at the church i go to and i play the piano and sing. Music has always been a large part of my life and a big outlet for my emotions, but for some reason when i am walking into the church or wherever i plan to play and sing, or do anything musical, i start to become extremely negative. I know what my attitude is showing, but for some reason in those moments all i can do is be a very nasty person.
During my teen years it used to be much much worse mainly because i hadn't let God heal some deep pain in my life, but those pains are gone and i know my heart has healed from the past. So why then, why am I like this? I wish i knew the answer, but i don't and i fear i never will.
With this negative attitude i have driven away friends, hurt people unknowlingly, and mostly embaressed my self and those close to me. I really don't want to be like this anymore. And weather this is apart of my Bipolar or not is not the issue, because in this case i will not use my Bipolar as a get out of jail free card. We are all accountable for our actions mental illness or not. I have to ask forgiveness to people i hurt by my negative attitude because i am always responsible for my actions. So remember that no matter what type of mental illness you may have the things you do you are responsible for them. No one can get away with doing wrong, but even if they do here on earth God knows what we have done. But God is a God of compassion and through Jesus Christ we have forgiveness, mercey and love through Christ's death on the cross and His resurrection. Please don't loose heart Christ always has forgiveness and love waiting all we have to do is ask.
The next part after being forgiven is to repent which means to turn; with the help of Christ in our lives He will help us turn from our sinful ways and make new habits and actions that show God's love to others. This is what i need to do now with my negative attitude is make the next step to try and not give in to its pull. I don't want to be an unpleasant person to be around and the only way to not be that person is to ask for Christ's forgiveness and start again.
During my teen years it used to be much much worse mainly because i hadn't let God heal some deep pain in my life, but those pains are gone and i know my heart has healed from the past. So why then, why am I like this? I wish i knew the answer, but i don't and i fear i never will.
With this negative attitude i have driven away friends, hurt people unknowlingly, and mostly embaressed my self and those close to me. I really don't want to be like this anymore. And weather this is apart of my Bipolar or not is not the issue, because in this case i will not use my Bipolar as a get out of jail free card. We are all accountable for our actions mental illness or not. I have to ask forgiveness to people i hurt by my negative attitude because i am always responsible for my actions. So remember that no matter what type of mental illness you may have the things you do you are responsible for them. No one can get away with doing wrong, but even if they do here on earth God knows what we have done. But God is a God of compassion and through Jesus Christ we have forgiveness, mercey and love through Christ's death on the cross and His resurrection. Please don't loose heart Christ always has forgiveness and love waiting all we have to do is ask.
The next part after being forgiven is to repent which means to turn; with the help of Christ in our lives He will help us turn from our sinful ways and make new habits and actions that show God's love to others. This is what i need to do now with my negative attitude is make the next step to try and not give in to its pull. I don't want to be an unpleasant person to be around and the only way to not be that person is to ask for Christ's forgiveness and start again.
Friday, June 10, 2011
life change!!!!
Sorry I havnt posted in a while my life has begun the most wonderful change of its life!!! In 53 days i will be getting married to my soul mate and have never been happier! I have said this before but having bipolar has really made me doubt i would ever get married or let alone find someone willing to take on the challenge of my day to day mood swings. But God is good, and His plans are far greater than mine were, and i am so glad that he has brought me Aaron!
This part of my life will be one of the largest changes i will ever experience and i have started to treasure every part of it. and when i say i have started to enjoy it i mean because my mind has been filled with so many anxioties that i have never really let myself enjoy the planning, the talks, and now that the invitations have been sent i am seeing the real joy of the people i love rsvp!!!
As i have said my life is about to change, and the way i deal with my bipolar has begun to change as well. I no longer give in to my moods and say "this is it i just have to wait it out". I have begun to reach inside myself for the strength of God inside me, and i am starting to understand how great he can work in me! I say to all of you with mental illnesses that you can work through the mood swings! this is so hard believe me i know, but to stay in that place where we just give up the life God has for us is wasting our life! God has great things planned for Aaron and I we are so thrilled to experience them together. so dont give in and give up! I spent many years just giving in and giving up living in shame of what i deal with, but i will no longer live in that place! for God has made me a strong confidant woman and i will forever live in that and rejoice and praise Him for the gifts He has given me!
I am in a life change and i couldn't be more excited about it, and eager to praise the Lord for this change in my life!!! Bipolar will no longer put me to shame!
This part of my life will be one of the largest changes i will ever experience and i have started to treasure every part of it. and when i say i have started to enjoy it i mean because my mind has been filled with so many anxioties that i have never really let myself enjoy the planning, the talks, and now that the invitations have been sent i am seeing the real joy of the people i love rsvp!!!
As i have said my life is about to change, and the way i deal with my bipolar has begun to change as well. I no longer give in to my moods and say "this is it i just have to wait it out". I have begun to reach inside myself for the strength of God inside me, and i am starting to understand how great he can work in me! I say to all of you with mental illnesses that you can work through the mood swings! this is so hard believe me i know, but to stay in that place where we just give up the life God has for us is wasting our life! God has great things planned for Aaron and I we are so thrilled to experience them together. so dont give in and give up! I spent many years just giving in and giving up living in shame of what i deal with, but i will no longer live in that place! for God has made me a strong confidant woman and i will forever live in that and rejoice and praise Him for the gifts He has given me!
I am in a life change and i couldn't be more excited about it, and eager to praise the Lord for this change in my life!!! Bipolar will no longer put me to shame!
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Jesus has compassion!!!
Over the weekend I attended a women's retreat hosted by my church and I was inspired and touched by the story in Mark 5:21-34 (shown below)
When Jesus had again crossed over by boat to the other side of the lake, a large crowd gathered around him while he was by the lake. Then one of the synagogue rulers, a named Jairus, came there. Seeing Jesus, he fell at his feet and pleaded earnestly with him, “My little daughter is dying. Please come and put your hands on her so that she will be healed and live.” So Jesus went with him. A large crowd followed and pressed around him. And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years. She had suffered a great deal under the care of many doctors and had spent all she had, yet instead of getting better she grew worse. When she heard about Jesus, she came up behind him in the crowd and touched his cloak, because she thought, “If I just touch his clothes, I will be healed.” Immediately her bleeding stopped and she felt in her body that she was freed from her suffering. At once Jesus realized that power had gone out from him. He turned around in the crowd and asked, “Who touched my clothes?” “You see the people crowding against you,” his disciples answered, “and yet you can ask, ‘Who touched me?’ ” But Jesus kept looking around to see who had done it. Then the woman, knowing what had happened to her, came and fell at his feet and, trembling with fear, told him the whole truth. He said to her, “Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.”
The woman came to Jesus in desperation knowing that He was her only hope of ever being healed. Being considered unclean by her culture it was very brave of her to come out and pursue Jesus. Jesus met her needs on such an individual level. How special and loved she must have felt by having someone really care about her and not treat her like an outcast, but as a real person who just wants to be loved and free from her burden. Jesus meets us in similar ways everyday of our lives all we have to do is have faith and wait for His timing that we may touch Him.
As I sat in the room among ladies reading about this bleeding woman who was an outcast it reminded me so much of myself. I have felt so much like an outcast in my life. I have always felt so different from my friends and others my age. They always seemed so happy and excited and I saw myself alone and feeling many times like I was going crazy. I saw myself as the crazy kid but not in a good way.
Reading this story in light of how God has met me through this blog I realize that in a large way I have been able to touch even the hem of Christ's clothes. And just as the bleeding woman remained unhealed for 12 years I too was undiagnosed for most of my life. Like the woman my mom took me to doctors trying to find help but no one ever really saw what I needed. And after being properly diagnosed nearly 4 years ago I was able to start leading a semi-normal life. This happened in even the small ways by being able to go through the day with a depressive mood that only lasted a few hours compared to a few days or weeks. Some may say reading this "wow that isnt much a healing." but to me that is more than I thought I would ever get. There are many times when I cry out to God and ask Him to take this from me, but that is when He comes and lets me once again lets me touch just the hem of His garment and I am given more of His strength.
I have often thought about my life without Bipolar and to be honest I believe that I would have never had the need to rely on God this much. I need Christ and His salvation, I need His love, I need His strength, I need Jesus!!! So remember healing comes in many forms but not always what we ask for, and so I challenge you to look for the jewels and pray for the moments where he lets you touch just the hem of His garment. Because there is a jewel from even a touch!!!
Thursday, May 19, 2011
God Does Provide!!!
I have doubted God's provision for so much lately and I have questioned if He even forgot about me. People in my life have encouraged me to keep trusting in God, but I am sorry to say that words many times were not enough for me. Even though i was doubting I knew that I didn't need to. God says that He is my Jehova Jirha the Lord my provider and His word is true!
Why have I said all this? Because this week God has shown me once again that He is with me and is always providing for me. I many times let my Bipolar become an excuse for me to wallow in my dispare but He has shown me that that is never an excuse. I have the holy spirit within me and if I pray and ask the Lord for guidence and provision He will come to my aid!! I just need wait and listen for His voice. Well this week I was waiting for it and I heard it.
As I was about to give up on some special things in my wedding plans (i am getting married july 30th) God spoke through some friends of mine and used them to provide for my need! I was so shocked at the level of their generosity and I was immediately convicted of my doubt. The Lord continued to show me by bringing 2 Kings 4:1-7 to my mind:
“Your servant has nothing there at all,” she said, “except a small jar of olive oil.”
3 Elisha said, “Go around and ask all your neighbors for empty jars. Don’t ask for just a few. 4 Then go inside and shut the door behind you and your sons. Pour oil into all the jars, and as each is filled, put it to one side.”
5 She left him and shut the door behind her and her sons. They brought the jars to her and she kept pouring. 6 When all the jars were full, she said to her son, “Bring me another one.”
But he replied, “There is not a jar left.” Then the oil stopped flowing.
7 She went and told the man of God, and he said, “Go, sell the oil and pay your debts. You and your sons can live on what is left.”
(http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2%20Kings+4&version=NIV)
I remembered this story in the bible and for the first time it became real and I realized that having Bipolar is no excuse for staying in my state of depression I need to seek the Lord and ask for His provision. This woman was given the amount of her need and some left over that goes beyond her need. I pray that I am blessed this way but I do daily pray that God puts in me the ability to stand against my first choice which is to wallow and ask for the Lord to provide.
Why have I said all this? Because this week God has shown me once again that He is with me and is always providing for me. I many times let my Bipolar become an excuse for me to wallow in my dispare but He has shown me that that is never an excuse. I have the holy spirit within me and if I pray and ask the Lord for guidence and provision He will come to my aid!! I just need wait and listen for His voice. Well this week I was waiting for it and I heard it.
As I was about to give up on some special things in my wedding plans (i am getting married july 30th) God spoke through some friends of mine and used them to provide for my need! I was so shocked at the level of their generosity and I was immediately convicted of my doubt. The Lord continued to show me by bringing 2 Kings 4:1-7 to my mind:
2 Kings 4
The Widow’s Olive Oil
1 The wife of a man from the company of the prophets cried out to Elisha, “Your servant my husband is dead, and you know that he revered the LORD. But now his creditor is coming to take my two boys as his slaves.” 2 Elisha replied to her, “How can I help you? Tell me, what do you have in your house?”“Your servant has nothing there at all,” she said, “except a small jar of olive oil.”
3 Elisha said, “Go around and ask all your neighbors for empty jars. Don’t ask for just a few. 4 Then go inside and shut the door behind you and your sons. Pour oil into all the jars, and as each is filled, put it to one side.”
5 She left him and shut the door behind her and her sons. They brought the jars to her and she kept pouring. 6 When all the jars were full, she said to her son, “Bring me another one.”
But he replied, “There is not a jar left.” Then the oil stopped flowing.
7 She went and told the man of God, and he said, “Go, sell the oil and pay your debts. You and your sons can live on what is left.”
(http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2%20Kings+4&version=NIV)
I remembered this story in the bible and for the first time it became real and I realized that having Bipolar is no excuse for staying in my state of depression I need to seek the Lord and ask for His provision. This woman was given the amount of her need and some left over that goes beyond her need. I pray that I am blessed this way but I do daily pray that God puts in me the ability to stand against my first choice which is to wallow and ask for the Lord to provide.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
The Comfort of God
Sunday's sermon on Psalm 71 was a real comfort to me. I saw a reality that God does comfort us. Sometimes in my walk with Bipolar I feel very alone, and I am seeing now that Satan enjoys making me feel like i am the only one who goes through this. And you may be thinking "Well that's silly many people all over the world have Bipolar." But look at my perspective if you have cancer everyone knows and the Church prays regularly for you, but if I am struggling with my Bipolar I can't ask for prayer from the Church, and no one will know once again I am passed by. Bipolar is just as important as any illness and I pray someday the Christian community would recognize this and start reaching out to people.
I want my illness to be recognized and prayed for just as much as the next person who has cancer or any other illness. I pray that my Blog will help people see the real side of a mental illness and that is we didn't choose to be this way just like someone doesn't choose to have cancer. I can't just work away my Bipolar it is here to stay unless God decides to heal me. So don't expect those with a mental illness to just "snap out of it" cause that will never happen, and trust me if I could "snap out of it" I would have a long time ago.
We all have daily struggles and this is mine. It is so hard sometimes to fight back my depression and put up a new post for you all. But i am seeing that God has a plan for all my writing so with His strength I press on. I want to show the world that God is my strength and with out Him I can't make it.
So back to my mention of my pastor's sermon on Psalm 71 here is the scripture below:
(and just a snipet i got this off biblegateway.com this is a great resource and you can even view it on a mobile device!!!!)
let me never be put to shame.
2 In your righteousness, rescue me and deliver me;
turn your ear to me and save me.
3 Be my rock of refuge,
to which I can always go;
give the command to save me,
for you are my rock and my fortress.
4 Deliver me, my God, from the hand of the wicked,
from the grasp of those who are evil and cruel. 5 For you have been my hope, Sovereign LORD,
my confidence since my youth.
6 From birth I have relied on you;
you brought me forth from my mother’s womb.
I will ever praise you.
7 I have become a sign to many;
you are my strong refuge.
8 My mouth is filled with your praise,
declaring your splendor all day long.
9 Do not cast me away when I am old;
do not forsake me when my strength is gone.
10 For my enemies speak against me;
those who wait to kill me conspire together.
11 They say, “God has forsaken him;
pursue him and seize him,
for no one will rescue him.”
12 Do not be far from me, my God;
come quickly, God, to help me.
13 May my accusers perish in shame;
may those who want to harm me
be covered with scorn and disgrace.
14 As for me, I will always have hope;
I will praise you more and more.
15 My mouth will tell of your righteous deeds,
of your saving acts all day long—
though I know not how to relate them all.
16 I will come and proclaim your mighty acts, Sovereign LORD;
I will proclaim your righteous deeds, yours alone.
17 Since my youth, God, you have taught me,
and to this day I declare your marvelous deeds.
18 Even when I am old and gray,
do not forsake me, my God,
till I declare your power to the next generation,
your mighty acts to all who are to come.
19 Your righteousness, God, reaches to the heavens,
you who have done great things.
Who is like you, God?
20 Though you have made me see troubles,
many and bitter,
you will restore my life again;
from the depths of the earth
you will again bring me up.
21 You will increase my honor
and comfort me once more.
22 I will praise you with the harp
for your faithfulness, my God;
I will sing praise to you with the lyre,
Holy One of Israel.
23 My lips will shout for joy
when I sing praise to you—
I whom you have delivered.
24 My tongue will tell of your righteous acts
all day long,
for those who wanted to harm me
have been put to shame and confusion.
Please take in these words that were written by a man that has many struggles of hi sown. The book of Psalms has been and will continue to be my place to go when i need to remember God's voice. God does comfort us and give us refuge all we have to do is ask and wait. For in my struggle with Bipolar God is my refuge and my comfort!!!!
I want my illness to be recognized and prayed for just as much as the next person who has cancer or any other illness. I pray that my Blog will help people see the real side of a mental illness and that is we didn't choose to be this way just like someone doesn't choose to have cancer. I can't just work away my Bipolar it is here to stay unless God decides to heal me. So don't expect those with a mental illness to just "snap out of it" cause that will never happen, and trust me if I could "snap out of it" I would have a long time ago.
We all have daily struggles and this is mine. It is so hard sometimes to fight back my depression and put up a new post for you all. But i am seeing that God has a plan for all my writing so with His strength I press on. I want to show the world that God is my strength and with out Him I can't make it.
So back to my mention of my pastor's sermon on Psalm 71 here is the scripture below:
(and just a snipet i got this off biblegateway.com this is a great resource and you can even view it on a mobile device!!!!)
Psalm 71
1 In you, LORD, I have taken refuge;let me never be put to shame.
2 In your righteousness, rescue me and deliver me;
turn your ear to me and save me.
3 Be my rock of refuge,
to which I can always go;
give the command to save me,
for you are my rock and my fortress.
4 Deliver me, my God, from the hand of the wicked,
from the grasp of those who are evil and cruel. 5 For you have been my hope, Sovereign LORD,
my confidence since my youth.
6 From birth I have relied on you;
you brought me forth from my mother’s womb.
I will ever praise you.
7 I have become a sign to many;
you are my strong refuge.
8 My mouth is filled with your praise,
declaring your splendor all day long.
9 Do not cast me away when I am old;
do not forsake me when my strength is gone.
10 For my enemies speak against me;
those who wait to kill me conspire together.
11 They say, “God has forsaken him;
pursue him and seize him,
for no one will rescue him.”
12 Do not be far from me, my God;
come quickly, God, to help me.
13 May my accusers perish in shame;
may those who want to harm me
be covered with scorn and disgrace.
14 As for me, I will always have hope;
I will praise you more and more.
15 My mouth will tell of your righteous deeds,
of your saving acts all day long—
though I know not how to relate them all.
16 I will come and proclaim your mighty acts, Sovereign LORD;
I will proclaim your righteous deeds, yours alone.
17 Since my youth, God, you have taught me,
and to this day I declare your marvelous deeds.
18 Even when I am old and gray,
do not forsake me, my God,
till I declare your power to the next generation,
your mighty acts to all who are to come.
19 Your righteousness, God, reaches to the heavens,
you who have done great things.
Who is like you, God?
20 Though you have made me see troubles,
many and bitter,
you will restore my life again;
from the depths of the earth
you will again bring me up.
21 You will increase my honor
and comfort me once more.
22 I will praise you with the harp
for your faithfulness, my God;
I will sing praise to you with the lyre,
Holy One of Israel.
23 My lips will shout for joy
when I sing praise to you—
I whom you have delivered.
24 My tongue will tell of your righteous acts
all day long,
for those who wanted to harm me
have been put to shame and confusion.
Please take in these words that were written by a man that has many struggles of hi sown. The book of Psalms has been and will continue to be my place to go when i need to remember God's voice. God does comfort us and give us refuge all we have to do is ask and wait. For in my struggle with Bipolar God is my refuge and my comfort!!!!
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
happy days!
Hey readers today was a pretty good day in spite of my little depressive mood that i had for a while. Many times i ponder why my life has taken this turn and how different my life would be if i never had Bipolar. Without Bipolar i know that i would have been spared many pains, hurts, and confusion of what was wrong with me. I spent many years of my life feeling so different from my peers and puzzled why I couldn't just be like everyone else. The hardest part of my childhood was seeing how cheerful and happy other girls and boys seemed to be, and i just hard a time being happy. life just seemed so easy for others and for me it seemed to always be a struggle. All i have ever wanted was to be normal; like everyone else. But what is normal anyway? Can anyone really answer that? Well of course they may try but they won't succeed because I believe that God allows barriers in our lives that seem like something to make our lives harder, but in the end they become a blessing that in turn helps others. I am starting to see this turn starting in my own life and the future is really starting to excite me. I my struggles coming to a point that they turn into a package that God wants me to share with the world. Sharing my story wow that is something i never thought would happen and seeing just the little ways God has used my story thus far is encouraging me to go deeper into my past than ever before. Because i know that God has hidden jewels in my past that are left there for me to discover and share the joy of the discovery with the world! well readers keep reading my posts cause i have many jewels to share with you!!!!
Sunday, May 8, 2011
good mood...bad mood
well today is mothers day and i had a great day with my mom we had so much fun! But now i am home and my mood has turned around into a bad mood where i really have no reason why i am grumpy but i am and that is what i hate about Bipolar most of all. I will one minute be happy and enjoying myself then the little green monster in my head turns on the grumpy switch the one that says "hey lets make rose a bit#h". Usually at that point i say sarcastically to myself, "wow and isn't it fun i just love being grumpy and have no way to snap out of it". I hate having Bipolar and everything that comes with it and many times such as this i sit and cry inside wishing that i could some how in my puny insignificant human self convince God to take it back and change His mind.
As we all know that isn't possible I can't make God do anything but i can sure try right?
sorry readers i dont have any encourageing words for you today all i have is reality. This is the reality of one with Bipolar and what ever you thought it was like and how maybe you thought well they just take their pills and it makes it all perfect!!! sorry but that is a load of BS!!! It isnt possible for anyone to be happy all the time let alone for someone with Bipolar. so in moments like these when i am grumpy and bad mood has set in all i know how to get through it is to hang on to Jesus because He is the only way i will make it through this life!!!! Dont ever give into the lie that anyone can make it alone we need Jesus I need Jesus and His love His mercy and His grace!!! Just take His hand and hold on!
As we all know that isn't possible I can't make God do anything but i can sure try right?
sorry readers i dont have any encourageing words for you today all i have is reality. This is the reality of one with Bipolar and what ever you thought it was like and how maybe you thought well they just take their pills and it makes it all perfect!!! sorry but that is a load of BS!!! It isnt possible for anyone to be happy all the time let alone for someone with Bipolar. so in moments like these when i am grumpy and bad mood has set in all i know how to get through it is to hang on to Jesus because He is the only way i will make it through this life!!!! Dont ever give into the lie that anyone can make it alone we need Jesus I need Jesus and His love His mercy and His grace!!! Just take His hand and hold on!
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Dreams lost then found
Since I was diagnosed with Bipolar 5 years ago it has been hard for me to really see myself ever having a boyfriend or even get married. But Feb 2010 I was reconnected with an old childhood friend Aaron Myers. We talked a lot and soon after we started dateing and in December we became engaged now we are set to marry on July 30th and it is a dream that I felt I had lost long ago and now is found!!! Many people have been surprised by this and I have to tell them so am I! And I say all this because I was afraid that I would never find anyone that could make the commitment to stand by me through all my emotional ups and downs. And when I told Aaron that I have Bipolar he wasn't scared off or freaked out he loved me even more and has stood by all my moods and continues to do so.
I say all this to encourage those who are single right now with a mental illness and may be thinking "who will ever love me like this" well there is someone out there for you someone who will love all of you and never leave even when things get hard. I have had many fears that I had to deal with this last year being with Aaron, because on top of having Bipolar I have many emotional wounds that run deep into my childhood that starts with an abusive father. But last year God opened a door for healing. I had lost my dreams of ever being a wife, a mother, or ever being loved by a man. And when Aaron came into my life I found that my fears and doubts had no grounds to stay and I trusted God and my heart was healed. This was a big turning point in being able to better manage my Bipolar because stress and anxiety makes the moods worse so being able to get rid of the stress of those hurts was a dream found.
Aaron is my dream found and I see it more becoming more true everyday closer to my wedding. Because not only do I have a man that loves me, but one that wants to walk through my Bipolar with me and not leave me alone. Don't loose heart dear reader's there is hope and you don't have to manage your mental illness alone, get help and talk out your stress and deal with your pain and hurts! but most of all no one can manage their mental illness with out God, well you can try but put God in your life and He takes the wheel so you can find your dream!!!!
I say all this to encourage those who are single right now with a mental illness and may be thinking "who will ever love me like this" well there is someone out there for you someone who will love all of you and never leave even when things get hard. I have had many fears that I had to deal with this last year being with Aaron, because on top of having Bipolar I have many emotional wounds that run deep into my childhood that starts with an abusive father. But last year God opened a door for healing. I had lost my dreams of ever being a wife, a mother, or ever being loved by a man. And when Aaron came into my life I found that my fears and doubts had no grounds to stay and I trusted God and my heart was healed. This was a big turning point in being able to better manage my Bipolar because stress and anxiety makes the moods worse so being able to get rid of the stress of those hurts was a dream found.
Aaron is my dream found and I see it more becoming more true everyday closer to my wedding. Because not only do I have a man that loves me, but one that wants to walk through my Bipolar with me and not leave me alone. Don't loose heart dear reader's there is hope and you don't have to manage your mental illness alone, get help and talk out your stress and deal with your pain and hurts! but most of all no one can manage their mental illness with out God, well you can try but put God in your life and He takes the wheel so you can find your dream!!!!
Thursday, May 5, 2011
the day is bright then....crash
Much of my life is a battle between "wow I am so happy" and "nothing is working i am failure...." many would say "oh everyone goes through that sometimes" but I am not apart of that everyone group. When my moods go hot and cold on me I have no choice as to when they should stop. most people if they are down they can find some way to cheer themselves up, but with bipolar depression it is like a little man is in my head controling my mood and I have no power over him. Now to many out there that may seem like a copout well I will tell you that no one really wants to be depressed or so happy they cant focus or sit still to do anything. When I start to fall into a depressive mode it can last hours to days sometimes it can last for a week or more for me. This part is the most physically draining.
I hate having bipolar I wouldnt wish this on my worst enimey it is many times a living nightmare. Sometimes I feel that if I just cry loud enough or sit alone long enough it would just go away, but that has never been God's will for me. I have been called to bare this burden and many times I hate it, but God gives me strength for each day so I can get up take my pills and go to work.
well yes medication does play a core role in my life with out my meds I would not be living independent and working full time. I really hate taking medication but for me I spent so many years trying to get help that I dont want to have to go back to that place I was in. That place was full of suffering, constant thoughts of suicide, and wishing every night I wouldnt wake up the next day. I thankfully never had the strength to kill myself because I was afraid of experienceing more pain and that I would go to hell away from God. I asked Christ in my life at 13 and being 25 now I look back on my life and see that I spent 20 years of my life in emotional truama because no one but my mom saw that inside my brain I was suffering.
Now to try and settle an issue that people with a mental illness should just snap out of it, sorry that is not possible. That is like asking someone with Cancer to just snap out of it. They can't because they're body is being attacked by an illness, and that is the same as someone with a mental illness. I am being attacked daily by the illness that lives in my brain and I try daily to fight it, but there are days when the meds don't work and I am a mess, but through all of those days and the good days God is always holding me.
I hate having bipolar I wouldnt wish this on my worst enimey it is many times a living nightmare. Sometimes I feel that if I just cry loud enough or sit alone long enough it would just go away, but that has never been God's will for me. I have been called to bare this burden and many times I hate it, but God gives me strength for each day so I can get up take my pills and go to work.
well yes medication does play a core role in my life with out my meds I would not be living independent and working full time. I really hate taking medication but for me I spent so many years trying to get help that I dont want to have to go back to that place I was in. That place was full of suffering, constant thoughts of suicide, and wishing every night I wouldnt wake up the next day. I thankfully never had the strength to kill myself because I was afraid of experienceing more pain and that I would go to hell away from God. I asked Christ in my life at 13 and being 25 now I look back on my life and see that I spent 20 years of my life in emotional truama because no one but my mom saw that inside my brain I was suffering.
Now to try and settle an issue that people with a mental illness should just snap out of it, sorry that is not possible. That is like asking someone with Cancer to just snap out of it. They can't because they're body is being attacked by an illness, and that is the same as someone with a mental illness. I am being attacked daily by the illness that lives in my brain and I try daily to fight it, but there are days when the meds don't work and I am a mess, but through all of those days and the good days God is always holding me.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Why I never told, and why I am now
Five years ago I was diagnosed with Bipolar II disorder. Before the diagnosis my mom and I were desperate to get doctors to see that I needed help and no one listened until I nearly went into a mental hospital. All of my life I have tried to save my good moods for when I went out around people so that I was never made fun of or stereotyped, and I continue this today. But last year I met a wonderful man Aaron, and God used him to show me that I dont need to feel ashamed of having Bipolar because I have done nothing wrong. But how do you step out of the box you put yourself in that felt so safe to a world that may hurt and reject you? Well God showed me that if I continue to live my life in that box I will shut out the people that really care and I will loose many opportunities to share the love of Christ in me.
I have searched for the reason why God allowed me to to have Bipolar and never heard an answer until now. God wants me to share my struggles to help and comfort others who are going through the same pain I am in. I would have never wanted this to be my answer because I have been too afraid for the world to know my secret self. But seeing stars like Catherine Zita Jones come out this past month with Bipolar encouraged me to come out and share my story as well. I no longer want to live in fear of the world and its judgements because if Christ is for me than who can be against me!!!!!
I have searched for the reason why God allowed me to to have Bipolar and never heard an answer until now. God wants me to share my struggles to help and comfort others who are going through the same pain I am in. I would have never wanted this to be my answer because I have been too afraid for the world to know my secret self. But seeing stars like Catherine Zita Jones come out this past month with Bipolar encouraged me to come out and share my story as well. I no longer want to live in fear of the world and its judgements because if Christ is for me than who can be against me!!!!!
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