Friday, January 29, 2016

My Daughter's Journey

Yesterday was a big day for my family; after about a year of working with a psychologist our concerns for our daughter Katherine having finally been validated. She is Autistic. We have worked so hard trying to get her this diagnosis so that she can get the help she needs, and now it is official.  She will be four in April and to know that we have this diagnosis means so much to me. Mostly because we have had so many doors slam in our face because she had no diagnosis, and therapy's wont get approved with an official diagnosis. I feel so much hope for her future that with all the resources out there she will have a full life and be able to go to the limits of her potential.

Well what does this mean for me and my issues? Well I haven't been doing as good as I wish I was. I had been working nearly 50+ hours a week, but my mind came to a point where it just put all the breaks on and I couldn't do it anymore. So now I am working 33 hours a week and working to get my mind healthy again. I started on a medication at night to help with my anxiety and it has really been helping me sleep which is HUGE for me to control my moods. Often my mind will race as I sleep and I go into severe anxiety attacks so choosing to go on this medication has been a big help to get me healthy again. I hate being on medication. It makes me feel like a failure because I can't control my moods with out medication help, but I am learning that being on this med doesn't make me a failure. I am choosing to be healthy and if getting me healthy means I need a medications assistance then so be it.

I often find it hard when Katherine is having a meltdown or just big emotions to control my moods. It has been hard to find a way to get myself under control, but in the last 24 hours since we have had this official diagnosis for her I feel a new sense of calmness. I know now that there is a real reason why she acts the way she does and I need to remind myself of that when her emotions are getting way too much for me. I will have days when I fail and totally loose my cool, but there are always new beginnings and ways to learn from it. I am a newbie in the autism world, and I don't really understand much of it, but I am on the road to learning what my daughter is dealing with and how I can best help her.

Bipolar and Autism in one house is a lot to deal with, and I often wonder why God allowed this to be my journey, but this is my journey and my daughters journey. I don't want her to just survive this life I want her to embrace her journey and learn to thrive!

Thanks for taking the time to read my blog. so much has changed and this is just the start of so much new stuff. please comment with any tips or good thoughts. Keep it kind in the comments

~remember to be kind~

Friday, October 30, 2015

Discovering my purpose

Hi readers! Yup I'm back after more than a years absence. So much has happened this past year, and I will slowly update you all with what has been going on. Let me share a bit with you. In August my youngest daughter turned one years old, and is growing and blossoming so beautifully. As many of you know of some of the struggles I have been dealing with with my oldest daughter, well recently we got a unoffical diagnosis of Autism and have started the process with a psychologist to get an official diagnosis.  We have been working so hard trying to figure out what has been going on with her, and we are finally on the road to getting her the help she needs.

But I must confess that I feel like I am not the right one to deal with her struggles. My bipolar has been very well managed med-free for over a year now, and that is such an amazing accomplishment for me. I don't recommend that for everyone and I am constantly looking over my mental health to see if at anytime I need to resume my meds. But as my daughter has been struggling I feel helpless. I have no skill to deal with her, and that is a hard thing for me to admit. I love her with all of my heart, and so my husband and I sat down and prayed what was best for our family. We came to the conclusion that one of us had to stay at home full time to be her caregiver. I knew that I was not able to do it, and as the mom that felt like such a major failure. But God had a plan all along. My husband has the most patience I have ever seen, and can deal with her major ups and downs far far better than I can. I know he is God's gift to me and I will never cease thanking God for him.  So it is my husband who is staying home with our kids full time, and I am working full time. This is such a role reversal, and it feels odd at times. But really I am the happiest I have ever been, and I see that happiness as me following my purpose.

I have been a care provider for elderly and disabled adults for the past 11 years and I often wondered if it was what I was supposed to keep doing. Once I realized that being a caregiver was my purpose and gift, to provide financially for my family, a burden I didn't know I carried was lifted. I am working over full time right now and it is really good for me. My depression is so much better and I am able to focus and accomplish much more. I am going to keep sharing more of my journey with you, and I welcome any question you may have.

I am in no way perfect and this plan may not work forever but right now I know that I am following God's will for my life. I am always seeking to become the best version of myself that I can be. I will never quit trying to conquer bipolar; it will never rule over me!!

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Suicide Prevention

Suicide is a problem not spoken of enough and in light of the recent suicide of Robin Williams I feel compelled to share my own struggles.  I wish everyone dealing with depression and feelings of suicide would share how they are feeling with someone before it's too late.

I have delt with depression so much of my life I find it hard to find a time in my life when this wasn't an issue for me.  I feel so deeply saddened by Robin Williams' passing that it is really hard to find the words to express my greif.  But I am most saddened by the fact that he wasn't able to conqure his battle with depression and chose in the end to take his own life.

When depression gets to the point that you feel you can't go on living it is easy to think that your only option is to end your life.  And this is depression's greatest goal, to get you alone without anyone there to talk to. And in that moment the demon that is depression takes over and seeks to trick you into thinking you have only one way out, that no one understands, that you are all alone.  These feelings have plagued my mind many times, and thankfully I have continued to win the battles of depression.

I have never come to the point where I was acting on a plan to end my life, but I have thought about how to end my suffering.  What stops me everytime is Jesus using the people in my life to help bring me out of the pit I am in.  It is so hard to believe the words people say to me to try and lift me up. My mind will begin to spin and spin with so many thoughts that I can't sort them out. It is almost like I am a fly trapped in a spiders web and the spider is wrapping me up tighter and tighter in his web and I am helpless to free myself.  But then the light shines down upon me and the words of hope people say to me begin free me from my bonds, and I start to see the sun's ray of hope.

Depression is a real illness, and fortunatly there is hope and treatment available.  If you find that you need someone to talk too, and there is no one around please call 1-800-273-TALK  National suicide prevention lifeline.

Please go get help! Find someone to talk to and get help! And please remember that you don't need to feel ashamed of your feelings, because there is always one who will  never judge you and that is Jesus Christ.  And if you need to take an antidepressant that doesnt mean you dont have enough faith or strength to make it. Because it takes strength to ask for help, and Jesus provided men with the ability to make these meds to help people. I need Jesus and I need my meds and there is nothing wrong with that. 

I am going to leave you with the words in John 3:16-17

16  “For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life.
 17  “For God did not send the Son into the world to judge the world, but that the world might be saved through Him.

Monday, May 12, 2014

What does it mean to have Bipolar disorder?

Hi readers I have been thinking that many of you may not have bipolar and may be wondering what is Bipolar and what do the symptoms look like? Well to be honest that is a HUGE question because bipolar can range from very mild symptoms to very severe.  But I want to show you all what bipolar is like for me. But please I don't want pitty from any of you this is the life God has chosen for me and I have peace with that.

First I am going to show you what Mania looks like for me, and this qoute fits me perfectly.

"Mania is the opposite of depression: exuberance, exalted mood, rapidity of speech (flight of ideas), expansiveness, grandiosity, hyperactivity, impulsivity, and poor judgment (which can lead to spending sprees). Delusions and hallucinations can occur. Untreated mania can wreak havoc with a person's life because of the great energy devoted to creating all sorts of complications."

Right now I am experiencing some Mania but today it is on the mild side and I feel more on the hyper side. But sometimes it goes into hallucinations and that is very frightening for me I really hate it.  I have read that some enjoy their hyper Mania moments because it helps them get stuff done, but honestly for me I hate any all Mania symptoms.  For me it may start as hyper but if I don't try and calm down and get my symptoms in control it will build into the more severe side and become a living nightmare at times.

Now I am going to talk about depression and honestly this is the hardest for me to talk about.  I often feel ashamed of how I feel and spend many moments praying that God will take it away, but to be honest many times relief is far away.  As I have said before I will never sugar coat this blog I am committed to be honest with you and show you the reality in which I live.

Depression symptoms may include sadness, anxiety, irritability, loss of energy, uncontrollable crying, change in appetite causing weight loss or gain, increased need for sleep, difficulty making decisions, and thoughts of death or suicide."

Depression for me can last for minutes or days on end.  And that really is what Bipolar is it is a constant back and forth from happy to sad for no reason at all.  But Bipolar is different for everyone and I have been diagnosed with Bipolar II disorder which according to psychiatrists is less severe than Bipolar I, but each form is challenging.  I in no way am going to make judgement on how hard it is for someone else because each of us have our own tolerance scale; I can only say how Bipolar is for me.

This post is very hard for me to write but I want to show you all a bit more of what I deal with and there is more I want to share, but will on another post.  I can only handle so much vulnerability at a time.  I hope this helps each of you with your own struggles with Bipolar wether it is your symptoms or a loved one's.

Take care and remember Jesus is always with you.

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Coming back to my blog

In my last post I told you all that I was going to start a cooking blog. I have started the blog and have loved it, but I began to realize that a part of me was missing my time shareing about my struggles with bipolar disorder.  So much has happend since my last post in October 2013. Let me catch you all up on what going on in my life.

In November we started plannning for baby number 2! This is no small task for a person with bipolar. The medications that are most commonly perscribed are toxic to the developing baby. There are a select few medications that have unknown reactions to the baby, but I personaly didnt want to take any chances of the potential that the meds could harm my baby. So we slowly started getting me off my meds. We took about 6ish weeks to get my meds out of my system. This is so hard on my body, because the meds not only balance my moods they also help me sleep. But once the pregnancy hormones kick in I tend to feel better.  Shortly into the new year we found out we were expecting and recently we found out we are having a girl! I am due september 7th and so far this pregnancy has been considerably easier than my pregnancy with Katherine. My moods have been good, but I wont lie and tell you all that there havnt been hard times. Anyone who has been pregnant or been around someone who has been will tell you that there are a host of crazy hormones when your pregnant, but when you're bipolar and pregnant it is a whole other ball game.  But what always gets me through those moments when I feel crazieness is taking over, is that pregnancy doesnt last forever and at the end we will have a beautiful baby.    To inform any new readers and remind old ones with my first pregnancy I delivered 8 weeks early, and this is still a concern with baby number two. Currently I am 22 weeks and as that 32 week mark approaches I am constantly relying on Jesus to calm my fears and not totally loose control.  My doctor and I have made a good birth plan if anything should go wrong, and that is comforting, but I dont want to go through another early delivery.  I will keep you all informed on my progress as the weeks go on, but I am not going to dwell on the bad feelings that try to take over.  

In April my little girl Katherine turned 2 years old! That's right two! I can't believe it myself. Time has gone by so fast, and she has even started a class two days a week that help her work through some speech delays she has and also helps her with some walking issues she has.  We were blessed that Katherine didnt have any major long lasting problems, but we discovered in fall that she has a significant speech delay and was having trouble walking. Through therapy she has made great progress in walking but her speech still has a long way to go, but she is such a little fighter and continues to make weekly progress. She loves her new friends at school and is such a ray of sunshine everywhere she goes.  We are so proud of her and know she is going to make a great mark on this world.  She loves to play pretend especialy cooking. She serves us meals all the time, and has a host of imaginary friends she talks too constantly.  What she says is mystery to all, but hey we try to understand. I love my little girl! And soon she will have a baby sister to play with! 

I don't understand why God would bless me with such a wonderful little family. My husband and children mean everything to me. I just want to encourage everyone out there that is struggleing with a mental illness and thinks having a full life isnt possibl, IT IS POSSIBLE! I wont lie to you and tell you  that the journey there is easy and trial free, because it is hard, life is hard. But if one doesnt have trials how does one grow? It is by fire that gold is refined and purified to its sparkling beauty, and it is the same with people too.   God strengthens us by alowing us to go through hard times. I dont always understand till way later what those hard times are for but getting out the bad in us takes time and it isnt easy.  Keep going even when it's hard, even when you want to give up.  Find someone who you can trust. Someone to cry on, but when you feel alone and no one is there remember God is never far away.  He is always there, I promise! 

James 4: 8-10 nasb
8  Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded.
 9  Be miserable and mourn and weep; let your laughter be turned into mourning and your joy to gloom.
 10  Humble yourselves in the presence of the Lord, and He will exalt you.

Thursday, October 24, 2013

farewell readers going on to something new.

this blog has been a wonderful outlet for me and i have grown so much since i started it. But now i want to move in a different direction and share a part of me that brings so much joy to my heart. i will be starting a new blog in the coming days. 
i have loved to cook since i was very small and will be shareing my favorite recipes, tips, and tools. thank you so much for reading and sharing this journey with me. 

now to the kitchen!!! 

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Battleing the Darkness to stay a child of the light!

Hello readers another month has gone by since my last post and the battle continues to rage within me, but recently God has brought a song into my life by a talented artist named Keri Jobe. The song is called "We are" and I have posted the lyrics below.

Every secret, every shame Every fear, every pain Live inside the dark But that's not who we are We are children of the day

So wake up sleeper, lift your head We were meant for more than this Fight the shadows conquer death Make the most of the time we have left

Chorus: We are the light of the world We are the city on a hill We are the light of the world We gotta, we gotta, we gotta let the light shine We are the light of the world We are the city on a hill We are the light of the world We gotta, we gotta, we gotta let the light shine Let the light shine, let the light shine

We are called to the spread the news Tell the world the simple truth Jesus came to save, there's freedom in His Name So let His love break through

Bridge: We are the light, We are the light, We are the light So let your light shine brighter We are the light, We are the light, We are the light Jesus You are the light, You are the light, You are the light We will lift You higher Shine, Shine, Shine Chorus Let the light shine, let the light shine

Just this last weekend I was cooking for a women's retreat and as I was serveing I took the opportunity to pray and God kept bringing the lyrics of this song to my heart. especially the first verse.  The words "Every secret, every shame Every fear, every pain Live inside the dark But that's not who we are We are children of the day." I kept hearing God tell me, " Rose you are not the darkness you battle, you are a child of the light, my child. I redeemed you and made apart of my light." 

It is so easy for me to give into the darkness and let it consume me, and lately I have given in. I don't want to give in anymore and I refuseing to become a child of darkness. Becuase Jesus has made me a child of light and I am the light and I am going to spend each day making sure my His light shines in me.  This is not going to be an easy journey and some days I may fail, but I am going to get back up and start again. 

I am a child of the light; Jesus Christ!