well i have somewhat lost my joy in the darkness right now. Being pregnant is turning out a lot harder than i thought it would be not to mention i keep having nightmares that have been ruining my sleep for the past week. sorry readers nothing encouraging to say today. I hate being stuck in bed and waking up at 6 am puking and coughing non stop till 730. I know that the only way i am going to get through this is with the Lord, but sometimes i get weary of having faith and relying on help. And right now it feels like all i do is ask for help. My husband has been taking care of me so much and my mom gets really worried about me and there is nothing i can do to encourage them and thank them. so today as i do everyday i lay on my bed and watch movies and tv shows and try not to dwell on my problems but today the not dwelling part didnt happen. i am pouting and feeling sorry for myself. oh and did i mention that on top of being pregnant and nausous i have a cold....
Ok I have vented a bit, well a lot, but i really cant find anything encouraging to say. but maybe joy does come in the morning? But when does the morning come? Is it today, tomorrow, a week, a month? I dont know...but i will keep looking for the joy even though i feel like giving up.
...still looking for the morning....
Monday, October 31, 2011
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Staying In Bed
Well this my first whole day on bed rest and seeing as how yesterday i was totally bored and it is only 10am and i am already bored i think i may attempt to crochet something. Being on bed rest is not really my thing, and i usually find a thousand things to do everyday and work myself till i can't stand and what's really funny is right now standing is a huge effort. Sorry folks i am rambling a bit, but this is what happens when i am bored. God has a plan for all of this even though i forget if He told me or not....wow maybe I do need more rest.
But i feel God constantly with me reminding me that He will restore my health and is comforting me. Today He brought me to Psalm 71:1-21
Psalm 71
Ps 71:1 In you, O LORD, I have taken refuge; let me never be put to shame.
Ps 71:2 Rescue me and deliver me in your righteousness; turn your ear to me and save me.
Ps 71:3 Be my rock of refuge, to which I can always go; give the command to save me, for you are my rock and my fortress.
Ps 71:4 Deliver me, O my God, from the hand of the wicked, from the grasp of evil and cruel men.
Ps 71:5 For you have been my hope, O Sovereign LORD, my confidence since my youth.
Ps 71:6 From birth a I have relied on you; you brought me forth from my mother’s womb. I will ever praise you.
Ps 71:7 I have become like a portent to many, but you are my strong refuge.
Ps 71:8 My mouth is filled with your praise, declaring your splendor all day long.
Ps 71:9 Do not cast me away when I am old; i do not forsake me when my strength is gone.
Ps 71:10 For my enemies speak against me; those who wait to kill me conspire together.
Ps 71:11 They say, “God has forsaken him; pursue him and seize him, for no one will rescue him.”
Ps 71:12 Be not far from me, O God; come quickly, O my God, to help me.
Ps 71:13 May my accusers perish in shame; may those who want to harm me be covered with scorn and disgrace.
Ps 71:14 But as for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more.
Ps 71:15 My mouth will tell of your righteousness, of your salvation all day long, though I know not its measure.
Ps 71:16 I will come and proclaim your mighty acts, O Sovereign LORD; I will proclaim your righteousness, yours alone.
Ps 71:17 Since my youth, O God, you have taught me, and to this day I declare your marvelous deeds.
Ps 71:18 Even when I am old and gray, do not forsake me, O God, till I declare your power to the next generation, your might to all who are to come.
Ps 71:19 Your righteousness reaches to the skies, O God, you who have done great things. Who, O God, is like you?
Ps 71:20 Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up.
Ps 71:21 You will increase my honor and comfort me once again.
This road God has put me on is far from my comfort zone...I can't make myself snap out of this...I can't manipulate the situation to get better...i am not in control....for once in my life God has all the cards and i know that is just how it should be. God wants to be the head of my life, and i have kept him as the co-pilot but that is where i should be. God is the head of my life and i will look to Him to lead me. And having such a godly husband constantly keeps me looking to Christ. I know i am in the right place but it is hard to stay here. Well as the bed is my main hang out place right now and i am working on watching every movie we own, i will look to Christ to make me what He wants me to be, and seek His comfort and His strength, because without Him i am nothing.
But i feel God constantly with me reminding me that He will restore my health and is comforting me. Today He brought me to Psalm 71:1-21
Psalm 71
Ps 71:1 In you, O LORD, I have taken refuge; let me never be put to shame.
Ps 71:2 Rescue me and deliver me in your righteousness; turn your ear to me and save me.
Ps 71:3 Be my rock of refuge, to which I can always go; give the command to save me, for you are my rock and my fortress.
Ps 71:4 Deliver me, O my God, from the hand of the wicked, from the grasp of evil and cruel men.
Ps 71:5 For you have been my hope, O Sovereign LORD, my confidence since my youth.
Ps 71:6 From birth a I have relied on you; you brought me forth from my mother’s womb. I will ever praise you.
Ps 71:7 I have become like a portent to many, but you are my strong refuge.
Ps 71:8 My mouth is filled with your praise, declaring your splendor all day long.
Ps 71:9 Do not cast me away when I am old; i do not forsake me when my strength is gone.
Ps 71:10 For my enemies speak against me; those who wait to kill me conspire together.
Ps 71:11 They say, “God has forsaken him; pursue him and seize him, for no one will rescue him.”
Ps 71:12 Be not far from me, O God; come quickly, O my God, to help me.
Ps 71:13 May my accusers perish in shame; may those who want to harm me be covered with scorn and disgrace.
Ps 71:14 But as for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more.
Ps 71:15 My mouth will tell of your righteousness, of your salvation all day long, though I know not its measure.
Ps 71:16 I will come and proclaim your mighty acts, O Sovereign LORD; I will proclaim your righteousness, yours alone.
Ps 71:17 Since my youth, O God, you have taught me, and to this day I declare your marvelous deeds.
Ps 71:18 Even when I am old and gray, do not forsake me, O God, till I declare your power to the next generation, your might to all who are to come.
Ps 71:19 Your righteousness reaches to the skies, O God, you who have done great things. Who, O God, is like you?
Ps 71:20 Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up.
Ps 71:21 You will increase my honor and comfort me once again.
This road God has put me on is far from my comfort zone...I can't make myself snap out of this...I can't manipulate the situation to get better...i am not in control....for once in my life God has all the cards and i know that is just how it should be. God wants to be the head of my life, and i have kept him as the co-pilot but that is where i should be. God is the head of my life and i will look to Him to lead me. And having such a godly husband constantly keeps me looking to Christ. I know i am in the right place but it is hard to stay here. Well as the bed is my main hang out place right now and i am working on watching every movie we own, i will look to Christ to make me what He wants me to be, and seek His comfort and His strength, because without Him i am nothing.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
being pregnant and biploar
well it has been a few months since my last post and since then i have gotten married and now my husband and i are expecting our first child on june 7th!!!! wow what a year it has been i never thought ever in my life i would find someone who would marry me, and now i am going to be a mom!!!
when i first found out i was pregnant we went to see my psychiatrist first and she took me off my two meds i take for bipolar and let me tell you it was hard going off meds in four days!!! for all planning to be pregnant and are on any type of meds plan ahead!!! going off meds quickly is not fun!!! i was able to stay on other meds i take for other health issues, but i was still scared my moods would be really bad. but by the grace of God and how He has designed pregnancy my hormones kicked in and i have been doing very well!!!
Being pregnant is very exciting and i am so thankful i get to experience this!! I have been on bed rest cause i nearly lost the baby but God has used this as a time to draw me closer to Himself; which is something i have prayed for for a long time. Hopefully i get to get off complete bed rest next trimester, but until then i have decided to join a bible study that has a craft time so i can learn to crochet some baby stuff. And i am going to pray more and learn that i don't have to do everything myself but to fully rely on Jesus has the source of my strength. I am only human and i know God has used this to remind me of that. I push myself much further than i should most of the time and this is the first time in many years that i am forced by God to sit and rely totally on Him and embrace the wonderful things He has brought in my life this year. I am so thankful for my husband who has been there for me non-stop from the beginning i know that i could never have maintained a focus on God if not for him. And the rest of my family has been so supportive i am a very blessed woman and praise God continually for that!!!!
when i first found out i was pregnant we went to see my psychiatrist first and she took me off my two meds i take for bipolar and let me tell you it was hard going off meds in four days!!! for all planning to be pregnant and are on any type of meds plan ahead!!! going off meds quickly is not fun!!! i was able to stay on other meds i take for other health issues, but i was still scared my moods would be really bad. but by the grace of God and how He has designed pregnancy my hormones kicked in and i have been doing very well!!!
Being pregnant is very exciting and i am so thankful i get to experience this!! I have been on bed rest cause i nearly lost the baby but God has used this as a time to draw me closer to Himself; which is something i have prayed for for a long time. Hopefully i get to get off complete bed rest next trimester, but until then i have decided to join a bible study that has a craft time so i can learn to crochet some baby stuff. And i am going to pray more and learn that i don't have to do everything myself but to fully rely on Jesus has the source of my strength. I am only human and i know God has used this to remind me of that. I push myself much further than i should most of the time and this is the first time in many years that i am forced by God to sit and rely totally on Him and embrace the wonderful things He has brought in my life this year. I am so thankful for my husband who has been there for me non-stop from the beginning i know that i could never have maintained a focus on God if not for him. And the rest of my family has been so supportive i am a very blessed woman and praise God continually for that!!!!
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