Life is going good right now. Being on my meds has helped so much I am starting to feel like my old self and it feels so good. I have gone back to work a little bit and have been able to do things that because of being pregnant I couldn't do. Wow I forget how much I love staying productive and busy until there are lots of things that I can't do, or are so tired that all I can do is sleep. I am so thankful for God restoring my body to its former health.
In my last post I mentioned that I am no longer pumping breast milk for Katherine because I needed to go back on my meds, and this has gone very well. My doctor put me on my old med routine and I have been able to handle so much more throughout the day. It was scary right after her birth I felt that support of pregnancy hormones just fall out from under me. And now being on my meds for a little over a week now I am starting to see the real me come back. The me that doesn't cry at the drop of a hat or have moods that go up and down in short periods of time. When my bipolar moods flare up I feel like there is almost someone else in my head that flips a switch to a fake me that says and does things that I don't mean or most of the time after the mood has past I really don't remember much of what I did or said. And that is the scariest part!!! For those of you like myself are SpongeBob fans, you may recall the episode that Plankton goes inside his head and takes control of SpongeBob's movements and speech. That is what I feel kind of happens to me when I am in a mood, and it is so scary. I wish I had control of that switch and when I feel that it is about to be turned on I can reach over and turn it off so I don't have to go through that nor do the people around me at the time have to deal with it as well. I really wish I didn't have bipolar, but it is the cross that Jesus has allowed me to bare and with His strength I can endure. But I don't want to simply endure this cross I want to let it be the glory of Christ through me!! Many times during my pregnancy I tried to find resources for people with bipolar who chose the no meds route I did and had some advice on how to get through it, and my search 9 times out of 10 came out empty. I felt very alone most of the time because I couldn't find someone who had gone or was going through what I was going through. Most of the women I found online stayed on their meds during pregnancy and I chose not to stay on mine so they were of little help. So I have decided to re-purpose my blog as a help to women who are struggling with bipolar or mental illness and want to be pregnant and need support and hope that it is possible. I am not going to say that this has been easy for me cause in reality this has been one the hardest things I have ever been through, but the rewards have been great so far. I have a beautiful daughter to start with, a very supportive and loving husband and family, and most important I have grown in Christ more than I ever imagined I would.
Having this baby and being on this journey has brought me to a closeness with Christ that I have wanted and never thought I could have, and I know is a vital life source if I am to be the kind of mother and wife that I desire to be.
So to all the readers out there who know of someone going through this or are going through it themselves or think that motherhood is not possible for those struggling with mental illness it can happen and is possible. You can be a great mother!!! I was so afraid to be a parent because of my bipolar but being a wife and mother are the best gifts I have ever been given. These take an enormous amount of work and need a good support team in hand but it can be achieved. Mental illness is not who you are it is just something that one struggles with. Don't loose hope, trust in Christ and He will guide you to His purpose for your life.
Great post friend!!! I know that you have and will continue to be a great encouragment to others facing similar challenges - and your little daughter will be so proud of her mama for your honesty and strength.
ReplyDeleteThanks for this great blog! I just started reading it last night. And congratulations on the birth of your precious daughter! I hope that I am not overstepping, especially since you don't know me, although I know who you are simply because I used to work at a bank that you were a customer of, but the part about you stopping pumping for your daughter because of needing to get back on meds...not very many people realize that you can actually find free breast milk donations from mothers in your area who want to donate to mothers and babies that for whatever reason aren't able to breastfeed. Don't get me wrong, formula is great, it's a blessing, and God can bless anything, and babies do very well with it, so don't think that I am harping about breast feeding, I'm not, I'm just giving you the information that I wish that I had had for my first baby when nursing just didn't work out. My son had formula and he is a perfectly healthy child. Women who go through the trouble to donate their extra milk are doing it because they care and so I would feel good about accepting donations from them. They are not screened like the donations given to milk banks, so there is that slight risk involved, but like I said, I don't think women would donate if they knew that there was something wrong with the milk. Their own babies are drinking it. A good organization on facebook is Eats on Feets WA, or HM4HB (Human Milk 4 Human Babies. I've donated to EOF once before. May God bless you and your precious little family! And thanks again for your inspiring blog Victoria! (I found your blog when I was reading Alicia Wenzek's blog, it just stuck out to me and I was intrigued when I began reading it!) Clarice
ReplyDeleteThanks so much Clarice for reading my blog, and i am so glad that you found it. thanks for all the advice about the breast milk it was really helpful. I had heard that people donate milk that is a really great program. I don't feel bad giving her formula i just get frustrated when other mom's get on their soap box that formula is horrible. but in my mind it was better than her getting my meds. thanks for not being one of those moms it is nice to know that not all moms are being so judgmental. I hope that you continue to follow my blog.
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