Battleing the Darkness to stay a child of the light!

Hello readers another month has gone by since my last post and the battle continues to rage within me, but recently God has brought a song into my life by a talented artist named Keri Jobe. The song is called "We are" and I have posted the lyrics below.

Every secret, every shame Every fear, every pain Live inside the dark But that's not who we are We are children of the day

So wake up sleeper, lift your head We were meant for more than this Fight the shadows conquer death Make the most of the time we have left

Chorus: We are the light of the world We are the city on a hill We are the light of the world We gotta, we gotta, we gotta let the light shine We are the light of the world We are the city on a hill We are the light of the world We gotta, we gotta, we gotta let the light shine Let the light shine, let the light shine

We are called to the spread the news Tell the world the simple truth Jesus came to save, there's freedom in His Name So let His love break through

Bridge: We are the light, We are the light, We are the light So let your light shine brighter We are the light, We are the light, We are the light Jesus You are the light, You are the light, You are the light We will lift You higher Shine, Shine, Shine Chorus Let the light shine, let the light shine

Just this last weekend I was cooking for a women's retreat and as I was serveing I took the opportunity to pray and God kept bringing the lyrics of this song to my heart. especially the first verse.  The words "Every secret, every shame Every fear, every pain Live inside the dark But that's not who we are We are children of the day." I kept hearing God tell me, " Rose you are not the darkness you battle, you are a child of the light, my child. I redeemed you and made apart of my light." 

It is so easy for me to give into the darkness and let it consume me, and lately I have given in. I don't want to give in anymore and I refuseing to become a child of darkness. Becuase Jesus has made me a child of light and I am the light and I am going to spend each day making sure my His light shines in me.  This is not going to be an easy journey and some days I may fail, but I am going to get back up and start again. 

I am a child of the light; Jesus Christ! 

learning to accept the price of being balanced

Hello readers! Since my last post my meds have been changed again, and this time I believe we got it right. They put me on a higher does than I would have liked but my moods are finally getting balainced, but with this comes a price.  The price is the side effects of the medication. The side effect that I have been dealing with is weight gain. At every appointment I am seeing more weight pile on and it breaks my heart because this year I worked so hard to lose weight and now all my efforts have been wasted.  Well you may be thinking just change the medication, but it is not that simple. And other medications I have tried just don't work for me.  So I am at a intersection with only two opptions before me, be balanced and fat or be thin anid unbalanced.  I can't have both and that makes me so mad.  I see people I know thin and healthy and I look in the mirror and see my weight climb higher and higher.  This is a battle that I don't want to have to deal with.

We all have our battles to deal with and I know that, but I feel like my battle has become bigger than I can deal with.  So I sit here writing to you in a state of discouragement and confusion.  I am so glad that my moods are getting better and I am even sleeping better which is all great progress or me, but part of me doesnt know if it is worth gaining weight for.  I dont want to be prevented from losing weight and constantly be battleing with it, and right now that is what I am faced with. I really have two battle to deal with now, bipolar and my weight.  I have a price to pay for getting balanced and I am paying for it with my weight and the prospect of never being at the size I want and have my moods balanced at the same time.

I need to find a place of acceptance inside myself  and at this point I don't know how to find that, if I will find it, or when I will find it. Until then I am in a place of discouragement and pray to God that He can guide me out of it.

A time of challenges

Hello readers the past two weeks have been very challenging for me, and many days I feel I am at the end of my rope. Changes have been happening and some are about to being. First of all the meds I have been on made my hair start to fall out, and when they changed my meds the new ones made me feel like I was on speed so starting today I am back on my old meds but just a short acting instead of a long acting one.  I hate changeing my meds it is so stressful.  But since september 1st  I got my insurance back and it has releaved so much  stress to know that I can get health care now.

Being a mom is hard enough without having to battle my moods day to day. And when I can't find a good balance most days I really want to just give up, but now a little one depends upon me and my life to help her everyday.  This little one, my daughter Katherine, and my sweet husband  are the greatest motivators in my life.  They help me to go on and reach a better mental health than I've ever had.

I know I could never have even got this far to the point where I can acknowledge that I need help so I can be a better woman without the Love of my Savior Jesus Christ! He is the rock that holds my life strong and secure. For I know that my life is not built on sand but on the rock of Christ.

    My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus blood and righteousness
    I dare not trust the sweetest frame but wholly lean on Jesus name

On Christ the solid rock on stand all other ground is sinking sand, all other ground is sinking sand

   when darkness veils His lovely face I rest on His unchanging grace
    in every high and stormy gale my anchor holds within the veil

    His oath, His covenant, His blood support me in the whelming flood;
    when all around my soul gives way He then is all my hope and stay.

     When He shall come with trumpant sound, oh may I then in Him be found;
     Dressed in His righteousness alone, faultless to stand before the throne. 

God brought this hymn to mind just as I was writing this post and I feel it says it all. Please reflect on these words dear readers and let The Rock of Jesus name be our foundation that we may endure the greatest trials and show His glory!

My Dark Side

Lately I have been working on something that I believe will change the way I handle my bipolar.  When I have a mood I have a hard time not seeing it as me and this is who I am, but Aaron keeps telling me that when I am in that mood it is my dark side not the real me.  Then we heard the new Kelly Clarkson song "Dark side"  (click link below to see video).

Kelly Clarkson "Dark Side"

"There's a place that i know it's not pretty there and few have ever gone if i show it to you now will it make you run away
or will you stay even if it hurts even if i try to push you out will you return? and remind me who i really am please remind me who i really am
everybody's got a dark side do you love me? can you love mine? nobody's a picture perfect but we're worth it you know that we're worth it will you love me? even with my dark side?
like a diamond from black dust it's hard to know what can become If you give up so don't give up on me please remind me who i really am [ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/dark-side-lyrics-kelly-clarkson.html ]
everybody's got a dark side do you love me? can you love mine? nobody's a picture perfect but we're worth it you know that we're worth it will you love me? even with my dark side?
don't run away don't run away just tell me that you will stay promise me you will stay don't run away don't run away just promise me you will stay promise me you will stay
will you love me? ohh
everybody's got a dark side do you love me? can you love mine? nobody's a picture perfect but we're worth it you know that we're worth it will you love me? even with my dark side?" -Kelly Clarkson, Dark Side


Aaron told me this is my theme song, and I know he is SO right.  The line that touches me the most is "if i try to push you out will you return? and remind me who i really am please remind me who i really am?" because when my dark side is ragging I don't remember who I am my dark side tells me who that she is the real me. I don't want my dark side to be the real me, but when she rages I loose sight of all that I really am, and say things that afterwards I don't remember saying at all.  And that is the part that I hate the most that the real me gets lost in the rage. 

Right now in the management of my illness I am trying to remember that the person who comes out in the rage is not the real me, but my Dark Side.  She is the one who comes to destroy me and convince me that all that she says is true and that I should give in to her wishes. I want to be able to counter her rage and destructive ways so that my moods are shorter and that the real me becomes the one who is stronger because I have Christ to be my strength.  

Please don't assume I am saying that I have a split personality because I don't, but what bipolar does to me is make me depressed, raged, or elated with no middle, and when I am like any of these moods it is dangerous because I am not in my middle mind which is the REAL ME! I want to conquer my dark side, and come out stronger because I have been clinging to the cross and a husband who has been sent by God to help guide me out of my dark side.  

I have a dark side, but it will not win!!!!
              
 

getting focused

Hi readers, a lot has happened in the last two months since I have blogged.  Katherine came home at the end of may after about 6wks in the NICU.  She is doing so well and is a very healthy baby.
As for me being a mom and managing my moods has gone up and down. Some days I do very well, but when she is upset or cranky it tends to set off my moods and it is really hard.  I am working on trying to stay calm and help her, but it is very difficult.

Being a mom is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, and many days I don't feel like I can do this at all.  I am very glad that my bipolar is under control right now, and that doesn't mean that I don't have a mood now and then but they are not as frequent as they used to be.

I think right now my biggest fear is not being able to be the mom she needs because my bipolar may flare up, or her being afraid of me because of my moods. I hate having bipolar, and that it doesn't go away. I hate that there is the possibility that she may have it or develop it.  And if that happens I will have to face that with God's help.  I don't want her to have to deal with what I have, but if she does I will be there to help her.
I want to be a good mom, and my depression daily interferes with the progress I try to make convincing myself that the voice in my head that says I am a bad mom and not fit to be her parent are lies.

One way that has helped me stay focused and prevent myself from going into deep depression is working on projects that are just for me. Right now that has been art.  I have always been an artist in many different medias.  I love to make cards, crochet, draw, and watercolor paint.  I really want to work toward putting my paintings in one of the local galleries in my community. So I have been taking pictures of nature (my favorite subject is flowers) and building a stock of photos that I can paint from. This is really therapeutic for me cause it helps me focus and release stress which is the biggest mood trigger for me.

At the beginning of July I went back to work 4 days a week part time so I can get my health insurance back. I had pregnancy medical thru the state but that ended and I am currently without health insurance. This has been really scary for me and difficult because I am unable to see my doctors, and have been worried what to do if something went wrong.  But God is my protector and my provider and I have been focusing on that thru that times that seem so overwhelming.

I don't know how my bipolar will affect my parenting in the future, but I cling to a God who never lets me go and has given me a husband who loves me so very much and is always there for me.  I am a very blessed woman, and continue to praise God for His great mercies to me.

I am planning  to post more often. Thanks for reading.

A bad mood day raises questions, but ends with trust in God

The past few days have not gone well.  My moods have been very unstable, and I have narrowed it down to me switching back to my old meds.  So tonight I went back to the med that my doctor put me on to nurse with.  That med I felt so much better on.  It is days like this that scare me because I worry how I am going to take care of Katherine if I am alone and am so down that I can't even take care of myself.  This evening was an evening where the switch was flipped. (For those who are not sure what I am referring to please read my previous post and you will understand.)  The switch was flipped and this horrible crazy mood lasted for most of the day and progressed to a raging inferno well into this evening.  You may be asking why I am sharing this with you?  I want to start a real honesty with my blog so you can see into the mind of someone with bipolar that when we have these moods it is never something we choose to happen. I sure wish that I could control when my moods happen but I am unable to do so.  But as my mood progressed Aaron stood by me making sure I was okay and didn't do any harm to myself.  As sometimes during these moods I don't think in my right mind and will do most anything to make it stop.  But today I walked out the door and took a walk by myself which is something I should never do when I am in a mood, but I did it anyway.  I walked out the door and around the block, and when I came back I found Aaron waiting for me and very worried.  As I have mentioned before that I don't remember much of what I do or say during these moods, and at this point I don't remember what happened when I got home except that sometime later the mood broke.  I cried for what seemed like an endless period then went on to play some Mario and make guacamole and chips. 

I am worried and full of so many questions.  Being a parent is so far from anything I ever thought I would do with my life.  I don't feel at all equipped to be Katherine's mother, and at the moment with her still being in the NICU I don't even feel like a mother because I have spent so little time with her.  She is 3wks old today and quickly gaining weight, and in a few weeks will probably be home leaving this time far behind us.  But until that day we are in the midst of trial and a day that raises many questions about my abilities. 

I know that God says that He will equip us to do the work that He has set before us, but today I feel more and more less equipped to be a mother to Katherine.   I feel that having Bipolar is the road block in my way of fully being equipped to be her mother.  
                        
2Timothy 3:16-17

16 All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and    training in righteousness, 17 so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.  


I read this but am in the valley of my trial where all I can see is mountains surrounding me and have no idea how I will ever climb over them to the other side where my answer is waiting for me. 


I feel that my bipolar is preventing me from being the kind of mother and wife I want to be, but I also know that God is God and has a great plan for me life.  I know that He would not put something into my life that would prevent His great plan for me from coming to pass.  So in spite of my doubts and many questions as to how I am to accomplish all of this I will still trust in Him.

Readers I will leave you with Psalm 37:3-7, this will be my reminder that God has a great plan for me and I am to wait for Him to complete it.

Psalm 37:3-7
3 Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. 4 Delight yourself in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart. 5 Commit your way to the LORD; trust in Him and He will do this: 6 He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. 7 Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for Him 

Getting myself taken care of and my blog's new purpose!!!

Life is going good right now.  Being on my meds has helped so much I am starting to feel like my old self and it feels so good.  I have gone back to work a little bit and have been able to do things that because of being pregnant I couldn't do.  Wow I forget how much I love staying productive and busy until there are lots of things that I can't do, or are so tired that all I can do is sleep.  I am so thankful for God restoring my body to its former health. 
  
    In my last post I mentioned that I am no longer pumping breast milk for Katherine because I needed to go back on my meds, and this has gone very well.  My doctor put me on my old med routine and I have been able to handle so much more throughout the day.  It was scary right after her birth I felt that support of pregnancy hormones just fall out from under me. And now being on my meds for a little over a week now I am starting to see the real me come back.  The me that doesn't cry at the drop of a hat or have moods that go up and down in short periods of time.  When my bipolar moods flare up I feel like there is almost someone else in my head that flips a switch to a fake me that says and does things that I don't mean or most of the time after the mood has past I really don't remember much of what I did or said.  And that is the scariest part!!! For those of you like myself are SpongeBob fans, you may recall the episode that Plankton goes inside his head and takes control of SpongeBob's movements and speech.  That is what I feel kind of happens to me when I am in a mood, and it is so scary.  I wish I had control of that switch and when I feel that it is about to be turned on I can reach over and turn it off so I don't have to go through that nor do the people around me at the time have to deal with it as well.  I really wish I didn't have bipolar, but it is the cross that Jesus has allowed me to bare and with His strength I can endure.  But I don't want to simply endure this cross I want to let it be the glory of Christ through me!! Many times during my pregnancy I tried to find resources for people with bipolar who chose the no meds route I did and had some advice on how to get through it, and my search 9 times out of 10 came out empty.  I felt very alone most of the time because I couldn't find someone who had gone or was going through what I was going through.  Most of the women I found online stayed on their meds during pregnancy and I chose not to stay on mine so they were of little help.  So I have decided to re-purpose my blog as a help to women who are struggling with bipolar or mental illness and want to be pregnant and need support and hope that it is possible.  I am not going to say that this has been easy for me cause in reality this has been one the hardest things I have ever been through, but the rewards have been great so far.  I have a beautiful daughter to start with, a very supportive and loving husband and family, and most important I have grown in Christ more than I ever imagined I would.
Having this baby and being on this journey has brought me to a closeness with Christ that I have wanted and never thought I could have, and I know is a vital life source if I am to be the kind of mother and wife that I desire to be.

    So to all the readers out there who know of someone going through this or are going through it themselves or think that motherhood is not possible for those struggling with mental illness it can happen and is possible.  You can be a great mother!!! I was so afraid to be a parent because of my bipolar but being a wife and mother are the best gifts I have ever been given.  These take an enormous amount of work and need a good support team in hand but it can be achieved.  Mental illness is not who you are it is just something that one struggles with.  Don't loose hope, trust in Christ and He will guide you to His purpose for your life.

Life as a new mom

Hi readers, I know it has been a long time since my last post, but so much has been going on.  As you know I have been writing about my journey being pregnant and bipolar but the pregnancy has ended.  Our daughter Katherine decided that she would be born two months early.  On April 13th at 12:30 am my water broke and after arriving at our local hospital and the failed attempts to stop my labor they few me via helicopter to a bigger hospital and in the short ride over maybe 10 minutes I dilated to 8 cm and they prepared for labor. I got to the bigger Hospital a little after 4 am and Katherine was born at 6:26 am.  Our sweet girl weighed 4lbs 9oz and is 17.5 inches long.  But even though she is born we don't get to take her home quite yet.  She has to stay in the NICU for many weeks at least 4-6 weeks.

   She is so strong and such a little fighter.  When she was born she was unable to breathe on her own but since her birth she has made huge strides.  She can now breathe on her own and take full feeds via feeding tube in her nose.  She was in an isolate to keep her warm so she could grow more, but now she is in an open crib and is holding her body temp pretty well, but if she gets too cold they will have to put her back in the isolate.

    Right now we can only get over to see her on the weekends cause we have to work, but the nurses and doctors at the NICU are taking very good care of her and let us call any time we want!!!

As far as my bipolar goes it has been hard.  During pregnancy my moods felt like they were under pretty good control but very soon after Katherine was born I felt that stability just fall out from under me. I became very depressed and was crying almost uncontrollably, but I really wanted to try to make it without a mood stabilizer.  So I started to pump my breast milk for Katherine and it gave me some help with my moods but the stress of having to pump so often and bring it up to her quickly made my moods worse.  A week after her birth I went on a medication that I could breast feed with to see if that would help.  My moods have improved but the stress of pumping was too much for me so 10 days after she was born I discontinued breast pumping.  I have been working on drying out  my milk supply for the past two days and it has been hard but I am feeling my moods under better control.  I made the choice to not pump or breast feed so that I can be a healthy mom for Katherine.  Because if I am too depressed to take care of her or even myself she will suffer and so will I.

I am praying every day that my sweet little girl will come home soon and will be able to be at home with her mom and day!!! Being a mother and a wife is the greatest journey I will ever go on, and many times I feel very inadequate to take it on.  But I know that Christ puts us on journeys cause He knows what is best for us.  I don't see how this is the right path for me, but I love being a wife and I love my little girl and can't wait to have her home.  God is good and His love endures forever.  This promise I will hold on to for all my life.

Learning to Pray and Wait on God

These last few weeks has been so full of Satan's attack on my life. Everywhere I turn I hear him trying to sew lies in my life about motherhood, or being the kind of wife I want, or about how I am managing my bipolar; they never seem to end.  But then on Sunday at church I felt like God broke through the lies and spoke to my heart what I needed to hear.

Our pastor was speaking about prayer and how even in the most desperate situations God can move and work a miracle.  He said that sometimes as Christians we think that we are praying when we are really just thinking about it to ourselves trying to work the problem out in our head.  And I felt like God was saying to me that I do that so often and don't really pray as often as I think I am.  I realized too that many times I think that I am relying on God but I am really relying on my own strength, and I end up falling apart cause without Christ I can get through nothing.  I have been looking more to Christ for my strength and wisdom and when I start to feel like I am going to loose it I am trying to strait to the cross and pray for God to give me strength. But I also found that the most important part I fail to do is just to sit at His feet and listen for His voice.
These verses really spoke to me about waiting on God and listening to His voice:


Pr 8:34 Blessed is the man who listens to Me, watching daily at My doors, waiting at My doorway. 

Ps 5:3 In the morning,  O LORD, You hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before You and wait in expectation.  


Ps 27:14 Wait  for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.

Ps 37:7a  Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for Him;

Sometimes God's voice seems so silent but He is there and will speak when He knows is the right time all we need to do is wait for the Lord.  This is what I need to work on in my life right now mostly because I see Satan trying to use my anxiousness to solve a problem against me.  I try and make it on my own cause I don't want to ask for help but I am really hurting myself even more because I won't pray and humble myself before God and ask for His help.  For me this affects my moods so much because when I don't manage my stress level my bipolar goes crazy and I just crash emotionally.   But when I sit before the Lord and pray then wait for Him His love comforts me and lifts me up giving me the strength to fight back my moods and gain His wisdom on how to lower my stress.  Because in the end managing my mental illness all depends on my relationship with God, because the meds only do so much they are just stabilizers.  I firmly believe that for anyone with a mental illness to be properly managed they must have a right relationship with God and daily rely  on Him for strength. And I have seen this more true than ever during these past months off my meds.  He is my strength and I need Him.  

*And in a side note I know that dependance on God is something that we all need to work on but in this I am speaking in regards to me having a mental illness and how that keeps me dependent on God.

Ps 27:14 Wait  for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.

24 wks and getting excited!!! but the moods always seem to rear its ugly head...

well readers as usual i am not that great at posting regularly but i thought i should give you all an update.  I am 24wks pregnant now and we have found out we are having a girl!!! Her name is going to be Katherine Rose Alene Myers ( see picture at left).  She has so much personality already when we go to the ultrasound appointments she moves around and will stick one foot up in the air or her bottom up it is so funny, and she already has Aaron's wiggles she is always moving her feet just like her daddy. I am so in love with her already and can't wait to meet her. 

The last three weeks my moods have picked up a bit and it has not been easy. I miss being on my meds and the stability they gave me. Many times I feel so unstable and can only sit and cry out to God asking for His comfort and strength which He never ceases to give in abundance.  I wish I could be pregnant without being bipolar this is one of the hardest things I have ever gone through, and wouldn't change having this baby for anything.  I feel that on top of raging hormones from being pregnant bipolar continues to cause me problems and seem to be making daily tasks increasingly difficult.  With these combined I have many times felt like shutting the bedroom door and never coming out again, and of course this is the wrong choice but it sure is hard to go on when everything seems so dark.  The moods I have had the hardest with is depression.  I have short lived manic episodes but mostly it comes in extreme depression.  I have been trying to take this opportunity to learn more about my moods and how to control them, and have grown in this. But I have failed in one way that many times I let my moods hurt the people closest to me, and this is something I am not sure how to fix.  I mean I can't control how someone reacts to my moods...can I? I have no control over others but I do have control over me.  So how do I not let my moods affect other people? I honestly don't know how to do this, and have stressed over this many a night lately.  I am not good at hiding my mood in public or anyplace if I am in a mood I just show it and figure if they don't like it they can leave.  but I am learning that this is not always a healthy choice, but I don't know how to change.  I have been seeking the Lord's guidance and praying that He will teach me to hide them if that is what I need to do, but I am still not sure.
I do know that I am on a path to change and become a better woman of God and to know Him more. I am getting ready also for motherhood which is a path I never thought I would be on, but so glad the Lord had this in His plans for me.

Seeking His will and a sound mind

getting the flu and embraceing prenancy

well this week has been pretty lousy i got the flu and was puking like non-stop which of course made me loose more weight that of course made my doctor so happy...not.   During my pregnancy i have lost about 20lbs and up until two days ago was puking most of the morning which then made me loose my apatite so then ate about only one meal a day...yes i know not good.  But i am on my way out and hopefully wont be loosing so much weight.  But the funniest thing was having a doctor for the first time in my life telling me he doesn't care how much weight i gain as long as i gain weight. Hearing this was funny and frustrating at the same.  I have been trying to loose weight for so long with no results and now that i am i have been loosing weight and my doctor doesnt like it...well needless to say i have been filled with  mixed emotions.  I want to eat more to feed the baby but i dont cause i like the weight i have lost.  This has been a real struggle for me but it has kept me at the Lord's feet seeking for peace of mind.
Being pregnant has been very difficult for me.  I don't like being without my bipolar meds and most of the time i feel very ill.  I am used to being kind of a super woman doing everything non-stop and working till i drop. well the Lord has halted that foolish plan and given me something that i didn't even dare to dream about.  Many times i just want to sleep thru these next 22wks so i don't have to deal with all these problems and can get back to the way things were, but i can't go back and there is a baby coming into my life and things are about to change forever.  Don't get me wrong i am so glad that things are changing but so scared at the same time.  Being pregnant is hard enough without having bipolar but with this added stress many times my heart is so weary i just want things to have a routine back and have my house in order....okay yes i have a nice run on sentence here.  But to get my rattling under control things are hard for me right now and i want to share my heart with you all so the reality of my life and its struggles.  And even thru this i have not lost faith in my God who i know has great plans for me.  I know that He has already been using this all to make me a better woman, a better wife, and the mother He wants me to be. 
I shall not loose faith in my God and am continually thankful for the wonderful life He is creating for me in spite of the pain of this transition.  so hold fast because our God is faithful to complete the work He has started in all of us.