negative or positive?

I have to say honestly that i have spent most of my life being very negative about almost everything.  I have always wondered is this apart of my personality or is it just the Bipolar rearing its ugly head....well unfortunately i still don't have a clear conclusion.  I get so frustrated with myself because the negative mood usually starts when i am going to do something fun.  Like on Sundays for example, my mom leads worship at the church i go to and i play the piano and sing. Music has always been a large part of my life and a big outlet for my emotions, but for some reason when i am walking into the church or wherever i plan to play and sing, or do anything musical, i start to become extremely negative.  I know what my attitude is showing, but for some reason in those moments all i can do is be a very nasty person.

During my teen years it used to be much much worse mainly because i hadn't let God heal some deep pain in my life, but those pains are gone and i know my heart has healed from the past. So why then, why am I like this? I wish i knew the answer, but i don't and i fear i never will.

With this negative attitude i have driven away friends, hurt people unknowlingly, and mostly embaressed my self and those close to me. I really don't want to be like this anymore. And weather this is apart of my Bipolar or not is not the issue, because in this case i will not use my Bipolar as a get out of jail free card. We are all accountable for our actions mental illness or not.  I have to ask forgiveness to people i hurt by my negative attitude because i am always responsible for my actions.  So remember that no matter what type of mental illness you may have the things you do you are responsible for them.  No one can get away with doing wrong, but even if they do here on earth God knows what we have done.  But God is a God of compassion and through Jesus Christ we have forgiveness, mercey and love through Christ's death on the cross and His resurrection.  Please don't loose heart Christ always has forgiveness and love waiting all we have to do is ask.

The next part after being forgiven is to repent which means to turn; with the help of Christ in our lives He will help us turn from our sinful ways and make new habits and actions that show God's love to others.  This is what i need to do now with my negative attitude is make the next step to try and not give in to its pull.  I don't want to be an unpleasant person to be around and the only way to not be that person is to ask for Christ's forgiveness and start again.

life change!!!!

Sorry I havnt posted in a while my life has begun the most wonderful change of its life!!! In 53 days i will be getting married to my soul mate and have never been happier! I have said this before but having bipolar has really made me doubt i would ever get married  or let alone find someone willing to take on the challenge of my day to day mood swings. But God is good, and His plans are far greater than mine were, and i am so glad that he has brought me Aaron!

This part of my life will be one of the largest changes i will ever experience and i have started to treasure every part of it.  and when i say i have started to enjoy it i mean because my mind has been filled with so many anxioties that i have never really let myself enjoy the planning, the talks, and now that the invitations have been sent i am seeing the real joy of the people i love rsvp!!!

As i have said my life is about to change, and the way i deal with my bipolar has begun to change as well. I no longer give in to my moods and say "this is it i just have to wait it out". I have begun to reach  inside myself for the strength of God inside me, and i am starting to understand  how great he can work in me! I say to all of you with mental illnesses that you can work through the mood swings! this is so hard believe me i know, but to stay in that place where we just give up the life God has for us is wasting our life! God has great things planned for Aaron and I we are so thrilled to experience them together. so dont give in and give up! I spent many years just giving in and giving up living in shame of what i deal with, but i will no longer live in that place! for God has made me a strong confidant woman and i will forever live in that and rejoice and praise Him for the gifts He has given me!

I am in a life change and i couldn't be more excited about it, and eager to praise the Lord for this change in my life!!! Bipolar will no longer put me to shame!