My Dark Side

Lately I have been working on something that I believe will change the way I handle my bipolar.  When I have a mood I have a hard time not seeing it as me and this is who I am, but Aaron keeps telling me that when I am in that mood it is my dark side not the real me.  Then we heard the new Kelly Clarkson song "Dark side"  (click link below to see video).

Kelly Clarkson "Dark Side"

"There's a place that i know it's not pretty there and few have ever gone if i show it to you now will it make you run away
or will you stay even if it hurts even if i try to push you out will you return? and remind me who i really am please remind me who i really am
everybody's got a dark side do you love me? can you love mine? nobody's a picture perfect but we're worth it you know that we're worth it will you love me? even with my dark side?
like a diamond from black dust it's hard to know what can become If you give up so don't give up on me please remind me who i really am [ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/dark-side-lyrics-kelly-clarkson.html ]
everybody's got a dark side do you love me? can you love mine? nobody's a picture perfect but we're worth it you know that we're worth it will you love me? even with my dark side?
don't run away don't run away just tell me that you will stay promise me you will stay don't run away don't run away just promise me you will stay promise me you will stay
will you love me? ohh
everybody's got a dark side do you love me? can you love mine? nobody's a picture perfect but we're worth it you know that we're worth it will you love me? even with my dark side?" -Kelly Clarkson, Dark Side


Aaron told me this is my theme song, and I know he is SO right.  The line that touches me the most is "if i try to push you out will you return? and remind me who i really am please remind me who i really am?" because when my dark side is ragging I don't remember who I am my dark side tells me who that she is the real me. I don't want my dark side to be the real me, but when she rages I loose sight of all that I really am, and say things that afterwards I don't remember saying at all.  And that is the part that I hate the most that the real me gets lost in the rage. 

Right now in the management of my illness I am trying to remember that the person who comes out in the rage is not the real me, but my Dark Side.  She is the one who comes to destroy me and convince me that all that she says is true and that I should give in to her wishes. I want to be able to counter her rage and destructive ways so that my moods are shorter and that the real me becomes the one who is stronger because I have Christ to be my strength.  

Please don't assume I am saying that I have a split personality because I don't, but what bipolar does to me is make me depressed, raged, or elated with no middle, and when I am like any of these moods it is dangerous because I am not in my middle mind which is the REAL ME! I want to conquer my dark side, and come out stronger because I have been clinging to the cross and a husband who has been sent by God to help guide me out of my dark side.  

I have a dark side, but it will not win!!!!
              
 

getting focused

Hi readers, a lot has happened in the last two months since I have blogged.  Katherine came home at the end of may after about 6wks in the NICU.  She is doing so well and is a very healthy baby.
As for me being a mom and managing my moods has gone up and down. Some days I do very well, but when she is upset or cranky it tends to set off my moods and it is really hard.  I am working on trying to stay calm and help her, but it is very difficult.

Being a mom is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, and many days I don't feel like I can do this at all.  I am very glad that my bipolar is under control right now, and that doesn't mean that I don't have a mood now and then but they are not as frequent as they used to be.

I think right now my biggest fear is not being able to be the mom she needs because my bipolar may flare up, or her being afraid of me because of my moods. I hate having bipolar, and that it doesn't go away. I hate that there is the possibility that she may have it or develop it.  And if that happens I will have to face that with God's help.  I don't want her to have to deal with what I have, but if she does I will be there to help her.
I want to be a good mom, and my depression daily interferes with the progress I try to make convincing myself that the voice in my head that says I am a bad mom and not fit to be her parent are lies.

One way that has helped me stay focused and prevent myself from going into deep depression is working on projects that are just for me. Right now that has been art.  I have always been an artist in many different medias.  I love to make cards, crochet, draw, and watercolor paint.  I really want to work toward putting my paintings in one of the local galleries in my community. So I have been taking pictures of nature (my favorite subject is flowers) and building a stock of photos that I can paint from. This is really therapeutic for me cause it helps me focus and release stress which is the biggest mood trigger for me.

At the beginning of July I went back to work 4 days a week part time so I can get my health insurance back. I had pregnancy medical thru the state but that ended and I am currently without health insurance. This has been really scary for me and difficult because I am unable to see my doctors, and have been worried what to do if something went wrong.  But God is my protector and my provider and I have been focusing on that thru that times that seem so overwhelming.

I don't know how my bipolar will affect my parenting in the future, but I cling to a God who never lets me go and has given me a husband who loves me so very much and is always there for me.  I am a very blessed woman, and continue to praise God for His great mercies to me.

I am planning  to post more often. Thanks for reading.