Coming back to my blog

In my last post I told you all that I was going to start a cooking blog. I have started the blog and have loved it, but I began to realize that a part of me was missing my time shareing about my struggles with bipolar disorder.  So much has happend since my last post in October 2013. Let me catch you all up on what going on in my life.

In November we started plannning for baby number 2! This is no small task for a person with bipolar. The medications that are most commonly perscribed are toxic to the developing baby. There are a select few medications that have unknown reactions to the baby, but I personaly didnt want to take any chances of the potential that the meds could harm my baby. So we slowly started getting me off my meds. We took about 6ish weeks to get my meds out of my system. This is so hard on my body, because the meds not only balance my moods they also help me sleep. But once the pregnancy hormones kick in I tend to feel better.  Shortly into the new year we found out we were expecting and recently we found out we are having a girl! I am due september 7th and so far this pregnancy has been considerably easier than my pregnancy with Katherine. My moods have been good, but I wont lie and tell you all that there havnt been hard times. Anyone who has been pregnant or been around someone who has been will tell you that there are a host of crazy hormones when your pregnant, but when you're bipolar and pregnant it is a whole other ball game.  But what always gets me through those moments when I feel crazieness is taking over, is that pregnancy doesnt last forever and at the end we will have a beautiful baby.    To inform any new readers and remind old ones with my first pregnancy I delivered 8 weeks early, and this is still a concern with baby number two. Currently I am 22 weeks and as that 32 week mark approaches I am constantly relying on Jesus to calm my fears and not totally loose control.  My doctor and I have made a good birth plan if anything should go wrong, and that is comforting, but I dont want to go through another early delivery.  I will keep you all informed on my progress as the weeks go on, but I am not going to dwell on the bad feelings that try to take over.  

In April my little girl Katherine turned 2 years old! That's right two! I can't believe it myself. Time has gone by so fast, and she has even started a class two days a week that help her work through some speech delays she has and also helps her with some walking issues she has.  We were blessed that Katherine didnt have any major long lasting problems, but we discovered in fall that she has a significant speech delay and was having trouble walking. Through therapy she has made great progress in walking but her speech still has a long way to go, but she is such a little fighter and continues to make weekly progress. She loves her new friends at school and is such a ray of sunshine everywhere she goes.  We are so proud of her and know she is going to make a great mark on this world.  She loves to play pretend especialy cooking. She serves us meals all the time, and has a host of imaginary friends she talks too constantly.  What she says is mystery to all, but hey we try to understand. I love my little girl! And soon she will have a baby sister to play with! 

I don't understand why God would bless me with such a wonderful little family. My husband and children mean everything to me. I just want to encourage everyone out there that is struggleing with a mental illness and thinks having a full life isnt possibl, IT IS POSSIBLE! I wont lie to you and tell you  that the journey there is easy and trial free, because it is hard, life is hard. But if one doesnt have trials how does one grow? It is by fire that gold is refined and purified to its sparkling beauty, and it is the same with people too.   God strengthens us by alowing us to go through hard times. I dont always understand till way later what those hard times are for but getting out the bad in us takes time and it isnt easy.  Keep going even when it's hard, even when you want to give up.  Find someone who you can trust. Someone to cry on, but when you feel alone and no one is there remember God is never far away.  He is always there, I promise! 

James 4: 8-10 nasb

8  Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded.

 9  Be miserable and mourn and weep; let your laughter be turned into mourning and your joy to gloom.

 10  Humble yourselves in the presence of the Lord, and He will exalt you.

farewell readers going on to something new.

this blog has been a wonderful outlet for me and i have grown so much since i started it. But now i want to move in a different direction and share a part of me that brings so much joy to my heart. i will be starting a new blog in the coming days. 

i have loved to cook since i was very small and will be shareing my favorite recipes, tips, and tools. thank you so much for reading and sharing this journey with me. 

now to the kitchen!!! 

Battleing the Darkness to stay a child of the light!

Hello readers another month has gone by since my last post and the battle continues to rage within me, but recently God has brought a song into my life by a talented artist named Keri Jobe. The song is called "We are" and I have posted the lyrics below.

Every secret, every shame Every fear, every pain Live inside the dark But that's not who we are We are children of the day

So wake up sleeper, lift your head We were meant for more than this Fight the shadows conquer death Make the most of the time we have left

Chorus: We are the light of the world We are the city on a hill We are the light of the world We gotta, we gotta, we gotta let the light shine We are the light of the world We are the city on a hill We are the light of the world We gotta, we gotta, we gotta let the light shine Let the light shine, let the light shine

We are called to the spread the news Tell the world the simple truth Jesus came to save, there's freedom in His Name So let His love break through

Bridge: We are the light, We are the light, We are the light So let your light shine brighter We are the light, We are the light, We are the light Jesus You are the light, You are the light, You are the light We will lift You higher Shine, Shine, Shine Chorus Let the light shine, let the light shine

Just this last weekend I was cooking for a women's retreat and as I was serveing I took the opportunity to pray and God kept bringing the lyrics of this song to my heart. especially the first verse.  The words "Every secret, every shame Every fear, every pain Live inside the dark But that's not who we are We are children of the day." I kept hearing God tell me, " Rose you are not the darkness you battle, you are a child of the light, my child. I redeemed you and made apart of my light." 

It is so easy for me to give into the darkness and let it consume me, and lately I have given in. I don't want to give in anymore and I refuseing to become a child of darkness. Becuase Jesus has made me a child of light and I am the light and I am going to spend each day making sure my His light shines in me.  This is not going to be an easy journey and some days I may fail, but I am going to get back up and start again. 

I am a child of the light; Jesus Christ! 

learning to accept the price of being balanced

Hello readers! Since my last post my meds have been changed again, and this time I believe we got it right. They put me on a higher does than I would have liked but my moods are finally getting balainced, but with this comes a price.  The price is the side effects of the medication. The side effect that I have been dealing with is weight gain. At every appointment I am seeing more weight pile on and it breaks my heart because this year I worked so hard to lose weight and now all my efforts have been wasted.  Well you may be thinking just change the medication, but it is not that simple. And other medications I have tried just don't work for me.  So I am at a intersection with only two opptions before me, be balanced and fat or be thin anid unbalanced.  I can't have both and that makes me so mad.  I see people I know thin and healthy and I look in the mirror and see my weight climb higher and higher.  This is a battle that I don't want to have to deal with.

We all have our battles to deal with and I know that, but I feel like my battle has become bigger than I can deal with.  So I sit here writing to you in a state of discouragement and confusion.  I am so glad that my moods are getting better and I am even sleeping better which is all great progress or me, but part of me doesnt know if it is worth gaining weight for.  I dont want to be prevented from losing weight and constantly be battleing with it, and right now that is what I am faced with. I really have two battle to deal with now, bipolar and my weight.  I have a price to pay for getting balanced and I am paying for it with my weight and the prospect of never being at the size I want and have my moods balanced at the same time.

I need to find a place of acceptance inside myself  and at this point I don't know how to find that, if I will find it, or when I will find it. Until then I am in a place of discouragement and pray to God that He can guide me out of it.

A time of challenges

Hello readers the past two weeks have been very challenging for me, and many days I feel I am at the end of my rope. Changes have been happening and some are about to being. First of all the meds I have been on made my hair start to fall out, and when they changed my meds the new ones made me feel like I was on speed so starting today I am back on my old meds but just a short acting instead of a long acting one.  I hate changeing my meds it is so stressful.  But since september 1st  I got my insurance back and it has releaved so much  stress to know that I can get health care now.

Being a mom is hard enough without having to battle my moods day to day. And when I can't find a good balance most days I really want to just give up, but now a little one depends upon me and my life to help her everyday.  This little one, my daughter Katherine, and my sweet husband  are the greatest motivators in my life.  They help me to go on and reach a better mental health than I've ever had.

I know I could never have even got this far to the point where I can acknowledge that I need help so I can be a better woman without the Love of my Savior Jesus Christ! He is the rock that holds my life strong and secure. For I know that my life is not built on sand but on the rock of Christ.

    My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus blood and righteousness
    I dare not trust the sweetest frame but wholly lean on Jesus name

On Christ the solid rock on stand all other ground is sinking sand, all other ground is sinking sand

   when darkness veils His lovely face I rest on His unchanging grace
    in every high and stormy gale my anchor holds within the veil

    His oath, His covenant, His blood support me in the whelming flood;
    when all around my soul gives way He then is all my hope and stay.

     When He shall come with trumpant sound, oh may I then in Him be found;
     Dressed in His righteousness alone, faultless to stand before the throne. 

God brought this hymn to mind just as I was writing this post and I feel it says it all. Please reflect on these words dear readers and let The Rock of Jesus name be our foundation that we may endure the greatest trials and show His glory!

My Dark Side

Lately I have been working on something that I believe will change the way I handle my bipolar.  When I have a mood I have a hard time not seeing it as me and this is who I am, but Aaron keeps telling me that when I am in that mood it is my dark side not the real me.  Then we heard the new Kelly Clarkson song "Dark side"  (click link below to see video).

Kelly Clarkson "Dark Side"

"There's a place that i know it's not pretty there and few have ever gone if i show it to you now will it make you run away
or will you stay even if it hurts even if i try to push you out will you return? and remind me who i really am please remind me who i really am
everybody's got a dark side do you love me? can you love mine? nobody's a picture perfect but we're worth it you know that we're worth it will you love me? even with my dark side?
like a diamond from black dust it's hard to know what can become If you give up so don't give up on me please remind me who i really am [ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/dark-side-lyrics-kelly-clarkson.html ]
everybody's got a dark side do you love me? can you love mine? nobody's a picture perfect but we're worth it you know that we're worth it will you love me? even with my dark side?
don't run away don't run away just tell me that you will stay promise me you will stay don't run away don't run away just promise me you will stay promise me you will stay
will you love me? ohh
everybody's got a dark side do you love me? can you love mine? nobody's a picture perfect but we're worth it you know that we're worth it will you love me? even with my dark side?" -Kelly Clarkson, Dark Side


Aaron told me this is my theme song, and I know he is SO right.  The line that touches me the most is "if i try to push you out will you return? and remind me who i really am please remind me who i really am?" because when my dark side is ragging I don't remember who I am my dark side tells me who that she is the real me. I don't want my dark side to be the real me, but when she rages I loose sight of all that I really am, and say things that afterwards I don't remember saying at all.  And that is the part that I hate the most that the real me gets lost in the rage. 

Right now in the management of my illness I am trying to remember that the person who comes out in the rage is not the real me, but my Dark Side.  She is the one who comes to destroy me and convince me that all that she says is true and that I should give in to her wishes. I want to be able to counter her rage and destructive ways so that my moods are shorter and that the real me becomes the one who is stronger because I have Christ to be my strength.  

Please don't assume I am saying that I have a split personality because I don't, but what bipolar does to me is make me depressed, raged, or elated with no middle, and when I am like any of these moods it is dangerous because I am not in my middle mind which is the REAL ME! I want to conquer my dark side, and come out stronger because I have been clinging to the cross and a husband who has been sent by God to help guide me out of my dark side.  

I have a dark side, but it will not win!!!!
              
 

getting focused

Hi readers, a lot has happened in the last two months since I have blogged.  Katherine came home at the end of may after about 6wks in the NICU.  She is doing so well and is a very healthy baby.
As for me being a mom and managing my moods has gone up and down. Some days I do very well, but when she is upset or cranky it tends to set off my moods and it is really hard.  I am working on trying to stay calm and help her, but it is very difficult.

Being a mom is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, and many days I don't feel like I can do this at all.  I am very glad that my bipolar is under control right now, and that doesn't mean that I don't have a mood now and then but they are not as frequent as they used to be.

I think right now my biggest fear is not being able to be the mom she needs because my bipolar may flare up, or her being afraid of me because of my moods. I hate having bipolar, and that it doesn't go away. I hate that there is the possibility that she may have it or develop it.  And if that happens I will have to face that with God's help.  I don't want her to have to deal with what I have, but if she does I will be there to help her.
I want to be a good mom, and my depression daily interferes with the progress I try to make convincing myself that the voice in my head that says I am a bad mom and not fit to be her parent are lies.

One way that has helped me stay focused and prevent myself from going into deep depression is working on projects that are just for me. Right now that has been art.  I have always been an artist in many different medias.  I love to make cards, crochet, draw, and watercolor paint.  I really want to work toward putting my paintings in one of the local galleries in my community. So I have been taking pictures of nature (my favorite subject is flowers) and building a stock of photos that I can paint from. This is really therapeutic for me cause it helps me focus and release stress which is the biggest mood trigger for me.

At the beginning of July I went back to work 4 days a week part time so I can get my health insurance back. I had pregnancy medical thru the state but that ended and I am currently without health insurance. This has been really scary for me and difficult because I am unable to see my doctors, and have been worried what to do if something went wrong.  But God is my protector and my provider and I have been focusing on that thru that times that seem so overwhelming.

I don't know how my bipolar will affect my parenting in the future, but I cling to a God who never lets me go and has given me a husband who loves me so very much and is always there for me.  I am a very blessed woman, and continue to praise God for His great mercies to me.

I am planning  to post more often. Thanks for reading.