My Dark Side

Lately I have been working on something that I believe will change the way I handle my bipolar.  When I have a mood I have a hard time not seeing it as me and this is who I am, but Aaron keeps telling me that when I am in that mood it is my dark side not the real me.  Then we heard the new Kelly Clarkson song "Dark side"  (click link below to see video).

Kelly Clarkson "Dark Side"

"There's a place that i know it's not pretty there and few have ever gone if i show it to you now will it make you run away
or will you stay even if it hurts even if i try to push you out will you return? and remind me who i really am please remind me who i really am
everybody's got a dark side do you love me? can you love mine? nobody's a picture perfect but we're worth it you know that we're worth it will you love me? even with my dark side?
like a diamond from black dust it's hard to know what can become If you give up so don't give up on me please remind me who i really am [ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/dark-side-lyrics-kelly-clarkson.html ]
everybody's got a dark side do you love me? can you love mine? nobody's a picture perfect but we're worth it you know that we're worth it will you love me? even with my dark side?
don't run away don't run away just tell me that you will stay promise me you will stay don't run away don't run away just promise me you will stay promise me you will stay
will you love me? ohh
everybody's got a dark side do you love me? can you love mine? nobody's a picture perfect but we're worth it you know that we're worth it will you love me? even with my dark side?" -Kelly Clarkson, Dark Side


Aaron told me this is my theme song, and I know he is SO right.  The line that touches me the most is "if i try to push you out will you return? and remind me who i really am please remind me who i really am?" because when my dark side is ragging I don't remember who I am my dark side tells me who that she is the real me. I don't want my dark side to be the real me, but when she rages I loose sight of all that I really am, and say things that afterwards I don't remember saying at all.  And that is the part that I hate the most that the real me gets lost in the rage. 

Right now in the management of my illness I am trying to remember that the person who comes out in the rage is not the real me, but my Dark Side.  She is the one who comes to destroy me and convince me that all that she says is true and that I should give in to her wishes. I want to be able to counter her rage and destructive ways so that my moods are shorter and that the real me becomes the one who is stronger because I have Christ to be my strength.  

Please don't assume I am saying that I have a split personality because I don't, but what bipolar does to me is make me depressed, raged, or elated with no middle, and when I am like any of these moods it is dangerous because I am not in my middle mind which is the REAL ME! I want to conquer my dark side, and come out stronger because I have been clinging to the cross and a husband who has been sent by God to help guide me out of my dark side.  

I have a dark side, but it will not win!!!!