Life as a new mom

Hi readers, I know it has been a long time since my last post, but so much has been going on.  As you know I have been writing about my journey being pregnant and bipolar but the pregnancy has ended.  Our daughter Katherine decided that she would be born two months early.  On April 13th at 12:30 am my water broke and after arriving at our local hospital and the failed attempts to stop my labor they few me via helicopter to a bigger hospital and in the short ride over maybe 10 minutes I dilated to 8 cm and they prepared for labor. I got to the bigger Hospital a little after 4 am and Katherine was born at 6:26 am.  Our sweet girl weighed 4lbs 9oz and is 17.5 inches long.  But even though she is born we don't get to take her home quite yet.  She has to stay in the NICU for many weeks at least 4-6 weeks.

   She is so strong and such a little fighter.  When she was born she was unable to breathe on her own but since her birth she has made huge strides.  She can now breathe on her own and take full feeds via feeding tube in her nose.  She was in an isolate to keep her warm so she could grow more, but now she is in an open crib and is holding her body temp pretty well, but if she gets too cold they will have to put her back in the isolate.

    Right now we can only get over to see her on the weekends cause we have to work, but the nurses and doctors at the NICU are taking very good care of her and let us call any time we want!!!

As far as my bipolar goes it has been hard.  During pregnancy my moods felt like they were under pretty good control but very soon after Katherine was born I felt that stability just fall out from under me. I became very depressed and was crying almost uncontrollably, but I really wanted to try to make it without a mood stabilizer.  So I started to pump my breast milk for Katherine and it gave me some help with my moods but the stress of having to pump so often and bring it up to her quickly made my moods worse.  A week after her birth I went on a medication that I could breast feed with to see if that would help.  My moods have improved but the stress of pumping was too much for me so 10 days after she was born I discontinued breast pumping.  I have been working on drying out  my milk supply for the past two days and it has been hard but I am feeling my moods under better control.  I made the choice to not pump or breast feed so that I can be a healthy mom for Katherine.  Because if I am too depressed to take care of her or even myself she will suffer and so will I.

I am praying every day that my sweet little girl will come home soon and will be able to be at home with her mom and day!!! Being a mother and a wife is the greatest journey I will ever go on, and many times I feel very inadequate to take it on.  But I know that Christ puts us on journeys cause He knows what is best for us.  I don't see how this is the right path for me, but I love being a wife and I love my little girl and can't wait to have her home.  God is good and His love endures forever.  This promise I will hold on to for all my life.

Learning to Pray and Wait on God

These last few weeks has been so full of Satan's attack on my life. Everywhere I turn I hear him trying to sew lies in my life about motherhood, or being the kind of wife I want, or about how I am managing my bipolar; they never seem to end.  But then on Sunday at church I felt like God broke through the lies and spoke to my heart what I needed to hear.

Our pastor was speaking about prayer and how even in the most desperate situations God can move and work a miracle.  He said that sometimes as Christians we think that we are praying when we are really just thinking about it to ourselves trying to work the problem out in our head.  And I felt like God was saying to me that I do that so often and don't really pray as often as I think I am.  I realized too that many times I think that I am relying on God but I am really relying on my own strength, and I end up falling apart cause without Christ I can get through nothing.  I have been looking more to Christ for my strength and wisdom and when I start to feel like I am going to loose it I am trying to strait to the cross and pray for God to give me strength. But I also found that the most important part I fail to do is just to sit at His feet and listen for His voice.
These verses really spoke to me about waiting on God and listening to His voice:


Pr 8:34 Blessed is the man who listens to Me, watching daily at My doors, waiting at My doorway. 

Ps 5:3 In the morning,  O LORD, You hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before You and wait in expectation.  


Ps 27:14 Wait  for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.

Ps 37:7a  Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for Him;

Sometimes God's voice seems so silent but He is there and will speak when He knows is the right time all we need to do is wait for the Lord.  This is what I need to work on in my life right now mostly because I see Satan trying to use my anxiousness to solve a problem against me.  I try and make it on my own cause I don't want to ask for help but I am really hurting myself even more because I won't pray and humble myself before God and ask for His help.  For me this affects my moods so much because when I don't manage my stress level my bipolar goes crazy and I just crash emotionally.   But when I sit before the Lord and pray then wait for Him His love comforts me and lifts me up giving me the strength to fight back my moods and gain His wisdom on how to lower my stress.  Because in the end managing my mental illness all depends on my relationship with God, because the meds only do so much they are just stabilizers.  I firmly believe that for anyone with a mental illness to be properly managed they must have a right relationship with God and daily rely  on Him for strength. And I have seen this more true than ever during these past months off my meds.  He is my strength and I need Him.  

*And in a side note I know that dependance on God is something that we all need to work on but in this I am speaking in regards to me having a mental illness and how that keeps me dependent on God.

Ps 27:14 Wait  for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.

24 wks and getting excited!!! but the moods always seem to rear its ugly head...

well readers as usual i am not that great at posting regularly but i thought i should give you all an update.  I am 24wks pregnant now and we have found out we are having a girl!!! Her name is going to be Katherine Rose Alene Myers ( see picture at left).  She has so much personality already when we go to the ultrasound appointments she moves around and will stick one foot up in the air or her bottom up it is so funny, and she already has Aaron's wiggles she is always moving her feet just like her daddy. I am so in love with her already and can't wait to meet her. 

The last three weeks my moods have picked up a bit and it has not been easy. I miss being on my meds and the stability they gave me. Many times I feel so unstable and can only sit and cry out to God asking for His comfort and strength which He never ceases to give in abundance.  I wish I could be pregnant without being bipolar this is one of the hardest things I have ever gone through, and wouldn't change having this baby for anything.  I feel that on top of raging hormones from being pregnant bipolar continues to cause me problems and seem to be making daily tasks increasingly difficult.  With these combined I have many times felt like shutting the bedroom door and never coming out again, and of course this is the wrong choice but it sure is hard to go on when everything seems so dark.  The moods I have had the hardest with is depression.  I have short lived manic episodes but mostly it comes in extreme depression.  I have been trying to take this opportunity to learn more about my moods and how to control them, and have grown in this. But I have failed in one way that many times I let my moods hurt the people closest to me, and this is something I am not sure how to fix.  I mean I can't control how someone reacts to my moods...can I? I have no control over others but I do have control over me.  So how do I not let my moods affect other people? I honestly don't know how to do this, and have stressed over this many a night lately.  I am not good at hiding my mood in public or anyplace if I am in a mood I just show it and figure if they don't like it they can leave.  but I am learning that this is not always a healthy choice, but I don't know how to change.  I have been seeking the Lord's guidance and praying that He will teach me to hide them if that is what I need to do, but I am still not sure.
I do know that I am on a path to change and become a better woman of God and to know Him more. I am getting ready also for motherhood which is a path I never thought I would be on, but so glad the Lord had this in His plans for me.

Seeking His will and a sound mind

getting the flu and embraceing prenancy

well this week has been pretty lousy i got the flu and was puking like non-stop which of course made me loose more weight that of course made my doctor so happy...not.   During my pregnancy i have lost about 20lbs and up until two days ago was puking most of the morning which then made me loose my apatite so then ate about only one meal a day...yes i know not good.  But i am on my way out and hopefully wont be loosing so much weight.  But the funniest thing was having a doctor for the first time in my life telling me he doesn't care how much weight i gain as long as i gain weight. Hearing this was funny and frustrating at the same.  I have been trying to loose weight for so long with no results and now that i am i have been loosing weight and my doctor doesnt like it...well needless to say i have been filled with  mixed emotions.  I want to eat more to feed the baby but i dont cause i like the weight i have lost.  This has been a real struggle for me but it has kept me at the Lord's feet seeking for peace of mind.
Being pregnant has been very difficult for me.  I don't like being without my bipolar meds and most of the time i feel very ill.  I am used to being kind of a super woman doing everything non-stop and working till i drop. well the Lord has halted that foolish plan and given me something that i didn't even dare to dream about.  Many times i just want to sleep thru these next 22wks so i don't have to deal with all these problems and can get back to the way things were, but i can't go back and there is a baby coming into my life and things are about to change forever.  Don't get me wrong i am so glad that things are changing but so scared at the same time.  Being pregnant is hard enough without having bipolar but with this added stress many times my heart is so weary i just want things to have a routine back and have my house in order....okay yes i have a nice run on sentence here.  But to get my rattling under control things are hard for me right now and i want to share my heart with you all so the reality of my life and its struggles.  And even thru this i have not lost faith in my God who i know has great plans for me.  I know that He has already been using this all to make me a better woman, a better wife, and the mother He wants me to be. 
I shall not loose faith in my God and am continually thankful for the wonderful life He is creating for me in spite of the pain of this transition.  so hold fast because our God is faithful to complete the work He has started in all of us. 

Being taken care of and feeling peaceful

This morning I have been blissfully overwhelmed by the loving care my husband gives me I got a low grade fever last night and was very sick and he took me to bed and lovingly cared for me.  And this morning he made sure I was okay and went off to work to provide for our family. I could not ask for more in my life than a man who does so much for me.  I have always wondered if this life i  now have would ever be mine.  As a young woman I didnt want to get married or have children mostly because i was afraid of being hurt and thought that no one would want to love me with all my baggage. But then God surprised me as He always does and put my "plans" to the wind and brought me a life I secretly wanted so badly. 
Aaron has a way of helping me through my moods like no one ever has and because of him i am living a more fulfilled life. 
now to add a little something extra; i am sure that there are people out there who think someone with bipolar or any mental illness are not fit nor should have children, but i beg to differ.  I read a story of woman who became pregnant then a few months later discovered she had cancer so to protect her child she restrained from treatment so her child would live even though she knew doing so would end her life.  And so I have done even in a very small way, I am currently not on treatment for Bipolar so to protect my child. So who has the right to say that i am not fit to be a parent?  As humans we think that we have that power but in this case no one has that right except for me.  I have fears just like any expectant parent, and I am no different than any other mother.  I wish more people knew the real me, and mostly this is my fault because i kept my real struggles hidden for so long and conformed to how others wanted me to be.  And so suddenly me becoming pregnant is a real shock to some that are close to me, but i can say with confidence that this is what God has planned for me.  Yes i am scared but Christ lives in me and with that i have the ability to be a good mother.  Being a parent isnt easy and having bipolar and being a parent will add extra challenges but if this is God's plan and i know it is He will equip me to be the parent He wants me to be giving me the tools that will guide me through the hard times.

settleing down and pregnancy stress

well Aaron and i finally found a place and moved in December 3rd, and we are so happy to be finally home!!! It was so hard not having a place to live my anxiety and stress was skyrocketing i was at a breaking point and suddenly the Lord opened up the perfect little place to start our family.  Since moving in my moods have started to stabilize but being with out my meds has been a real challenge sometimes.  All that gets me through it is that going with out my meds is better for the baby. but i have to be honest that sometimes i just loose it and want to take them and i sit and cry then Aaron comes to me and holds me and tells me it is going to be okay and i get on with another day.  Being pregnant and having Bipolar is so hard and part of me is not sure i can go through this again.  I love the excitement of becoming a mother and having that beautiful child to hold.  I never thought that this would happen to me and i wasn't sure i even wanted it or was capable of being a mother but I feel so sure that God has great plans for me; plans I never even dreamed about but secretly in my heart of hearts wanted so desperately.
I love waking up and seeing Aaron sleeping beside me and knowing that their is a baby being created inside me.  My life has turned into one that i am in awe of everyday because i imagined a very different life for myself, and looking back i am so glad that my plans didnt work out because in spite of my present afflictions the future is bright and i can't wait to see what it's lights have prepared for me. 
Today i am in bed as my morning sickness has taken over my day, and i am trying to prevent a mood coming on, but in spite of all of this i am so happy to have my home to take care of and my wonderful husband beside me taking such good care of me. Even though my bipolar is trying to keep me down i will never let it win!!!! 
For those who reading this who maybe struggling with anything similar and wonder how to get through it, i can say with confidence what gets me through each day is a constant prayer and conversation with my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ without Him nothing would be what it is today. 

Wanting to settle down

Aaron and I have been staying with a friend since the beginning of september and now we are trying to get into our place.  We will find out sometime next week if we got this place or not. Not having our own place and a since of routine has been so hard for me, the stress always sets off my moods. And not having my meds when a mood hits has been so hard i cry to my husband that i just want my pills cause i feel if i can only take one it can make everything better but i know that isn't so.  I wish i was still on my meds but being pregnant doesn't allow that. 

Being pregnant is such a gift but i have had a hard time really enjoying it sometimes when i am throwing up or just so tired that i can't get out of bed.  I know when i get to see the face of my beautiful baby this will all seem so small. But today I am weary of this and wish that i had more joy to embrace the miracle happening inside me.  I wish i could be like all the regular expectant mothers who don't have bipolar and can just embrace this with joy and excitement but many times i can't.  I don't want to have bipolar anymore I wish that after this beautiful baby is born i would never have to take another pill again, but i know that can't happen. and i have to learn to live with this or it will consume me.

God is with me and i feel him daily comforting me.  I have drawn closer to God thru this time and found peace in His holy word.  I will continue to draw near to God i don't want to let the depression take me over i know it is not more powerful that His spirit inside me, and i will continue to say this even when i feel i can't believe any more.

God is for me who can be against me.  Well for now i am holding tight to God's word and his comfort.