This morning I have been blissfully overwhelmed by the loving care my husband gives me I got a low grade fever last night and was very sick and he took me to bed and lovingly cared for me. And this morning he made sure I was okay and went off to work to provide for our family. I could not ask for more in my life than a man who does so much for me. I have always wondered if this life i now have would ever be mine. As a young woman I didnt want to get married or have children mostly because i was afraid of being hurt and thought that no one would want to love me with all my baggage. But then God surprised me as He always does and put my "plans" to the wind and brought me a life I secretly wanted so badly.
Aaron has a way of helping me through my moods like no one ever has and because of him i am living a more fulfilled life.
now to add a little something extra; i am sure that there are people out there who think someone with bipolar or any mental illness are not fit nor should have children, but i beg to differ. I read a story of woman who became pregnant then a few months later discovered she had cancer so to protect her child she restrained from treatment so her child would live even though she knew doing so would end her life. And so I have done even in a very small way, I am currently not on treatment for Bipolar so to protect my child. So who has the right to say that i am not fit to be a parent? As humans we think that we have that power but in this case no one has that right except for me. I have fears just like any expectant parent, and I am no different than any other mother. I wish more people knew the real me, and mostly this is my fault because i kept my real struggles hidden for so long and conformed to how others wanted me to be. And so suddenly me becoming pregnant is a real shock to some that are close to me, but i can say with confidence that this is what God has planned for me. Yes i am scared but Christ lives in me and with that i have the ability to be a good mother. Being a parent isnt easy and having bipolar and being a parent will add extra challenges but if this is God's plan and i know it is He will equip me to be the parent He wants me to be giving me the tools that will guide me through the hard times.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Saturday, December 17, 2011
settleing down and pregnancy stress
well Aaron and i finally found a place and moved in December 3rd, and we are so happy to be finally home!!! It was so hard not having a place to live my anxiety and stress was skyrocketing i was at a breaking point and suddenly the Lord opened up the perfect little place to start our family. Since moving in my moods have started to stabilize but being with out my meds has been a real challenge sometimes. All that gets me through it is that going with out my meds is better for the baby. but i have to be honest that sometimes i just loose it and want to take them and i sit and cry then Aaron comes to me and holds me and tells me it is going to be okay and i get on with another day. Being pregnant and having Bipolar is so hard and part of me is not sure i can go through this again. I love the excitement of becoming a mother and having that beautiful child to hold. I never thought that this would happen to me and i wasn't sure i even wanted it or was capable of being a mother but I feel so sure that God has great plans for me; plans I never even dreamed about but secretly in my heart of hearts wanted so desperately.
I love waking up and seeing Aaron sleeping beside me and knowing that their is a baby being created inside me. My life has turned into one that i am in awe of everyday because i imagined a very different life for myself, and looking back i am so glad that my plans didnt work out because in spite of my present afflictions the future is bright and i can't wait to see what it's lights have prepared for me.
Today i am in bed as my morning sickness has taken over my day, and i am trying to prevent a mood coming on, but in spite of all of this i am so happy to have my home to take care of and my wonderful husband beside me taking such good care of me. Even though my bipolar is trying to keep me down i will never let it win!!!!
For those who reading this who maybe struggling with anything similar and wonder how to get through it, i can say with confidence what gets me through each day is a constant prayer and conversation with my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ without Him nothing would be what it is today.
I love waking up and seeing Aaron sleeping beside me and knowing that their is a baby being created inside me. My life has turned into one that i am in awe of everyday because i imagined a very different life for myself, and looking back i am so glad that my plans didnt work out because in spite of my present afflictions the future is bright and i can't wait to see what it's lights have prepared for me.
Today i am in bed as my morning sickness has taken over my day, and i am trying to prevent a mood coming on, but in spite of all of this i am so happy to have my home to take care of and my wonderful husband beside me taking such good care of me. Even though my bipolar is trying to keep me down i will never let it win!!!!
For those who reading this who maybe struggling with anything similar and wonder how to get through it, i can say with confidence what gets me through each day is a constant prayer and conversation with my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ without Him nothing would be what it is today.
Friday, November 18, 2011
Wanting to settle down
Aaron and I have been staying with a friend since the beginning of september and now we are trying to get into our place. We will find out sometime next week if we got this place or not. Not having our own place and a since of routine has been so hard for me, the stress always sets off my moods. And not having my meds when a mood hits has been so hard i cry to my husband that i just want my pills cause i feel if i can only take one it can make everything better but i know that isn't so. I wish i was still on my meds but being pregnant doesn't allow that.
Being pregnant is such a gift but i have had a hard time really enjoying it sometimes when i am throwing up or just so tired that i can't get out of bed. I know when i get to see the face of my beautiful baby this will all seem so small. But today I am weary of this and wish that i had more joy to embrace the miracle happening inside me. I wish i could be like all the regular expectant mothers who don't have bipolar and can just embrace this with joy and excitement but many times i can't. I don't want to have bipolar anymore I wish that after this beautiful baby is born i would never have to take another pill again, but i know that can't happen. and i have to learn to live with this or it will consume me.
God is with me and i feel him daily comforting me. I have drawn closer to God thru this time and found peace in His holy word. I will continue to draw near to God i don't want to let the depression take me over i know it is not more powerful that His spirit inside me, and i will continue to say this even when i feel i can't believe any more.
God is for me who can be against me. Well for now i am holding tight to God's word and his comfort.
Being pregnant is such a gift but i have had a hard time really enjoying it sometimes when i am throwing up or just so tired that i can't get out of bed. I know when i get to see the face of my beautiful baby this will all seem so small. But today I am weary of this and wish that i had more joy to embrace the miracle happening inside me. I wish i could be like all the regular expectant mothers who don't have bipolar and can just embrace this with joy and excitement but many times i can't. I don't want to have bipolar anymore I wish that after this beautiful baby is born i would never have to take another pill again, but i know that can't happen. and i have to learn to live with this or it will consume me.
God is with me and i feel him daily comforting me. I have drawn closer to God thru this time and found peace in His holy word. I will continue to draw near to God i don't want to let the depression take me over i know it is not more powerful that His spirit inside me, and i will continue to say this even when i feel i can't believe any more.
God is for me who can be against me. Well for now i am holding tight to God's word and his comfort.
Monday, October 31, 2011
pregnancy worries and surging emotions
well i have somewhat lost my joy in the darkness right now. Being pregnant is turning out a lot harder than i thought it would be not to mention i keep having nightmares that have been ruining my sleep for the past week. sorry readers nothing encouraging to say today. I hate being stuck in bed and waking up at 6 am puking and coughing non stop till 730. I know that the only way i am going to get through this is with the Lord, but sometimes i get weary of having faith and relying on help. And right now it feels like all i do is ask for help. My husband has been taking care of me so much and my mom gets really worried about me and there is nothing i can do to encourage them and thank them. so today as i do everyday i lay on my bed and watch movies and tv shows and try not to dwell on my problems but today the not dwelling part didnt happen. i am pouting and feeling sorry for myself. oh and did i mention that on top of being pregnant and nausous i have a cold....
Ok I have vented a bit, well a lot, but i really cant find anything encouraging to say. but maybe joy does come in the morning? But when does the morning come? Is it today, tomorrow, a week, a month? I dont know...but i will keep looking for the joy even though i feel like giving up.
...still looking for the morning....
Ok I have vented a bit, well a lot, but i really cant find anything encouraging to say. but maybe joy does come in the morning? But when does the morning come? Is it today, tomorrow, a week, a month? I dont know...but i will keep looking for the joy even though i feel like giving up.
...still looking for the morning....
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Staying In Bed
Well this my first whole day on bed rest and seeing as how yesterday i was totally bored and it is only 10am and i am already bored i think i may attempt to crochet something. Being on bed rest is not really my thing, and i usually find a thousand things to do everyday and work myself till i can't stand and what's really funny is right now standing is a huge effort. Sorry folks i am rambling a bit, but this is what happens when i am bored. God has a plan for all of this even though i forget if He told me or not....wow maybe I do need more rest.
But i feel God constantly with me reminding me that He will restore my health and is comforting me. Today He brought me to Psalm 71:1-21
Psalm 71
Ps 71:1 In you, O LORD, I have taken refuge; let me never be put to shame.
Ps 71:2 Rescue me and deliver me in your righteousness; turn your ear to me and save me.
Ps 71:3 Be my rock of refuge, to which I can always go; give the command to save me, for you are my rock and my fortress.
Ps 71:4 Deliver me, O my God, from the hand of the wicked, from the grasp of evil and cruel men.
Ps 71:5 For you have been my hope, O Sovereign LORD, my confidence since my youth.
Ps 71:6 From birth a I have relied on you; you brought me forth from my mother’s womb. I will ever praise you.
Ps 71:7 I have become like a portent to many, but you are my strong refuge.
Ps 71:8 My mouth is filled with your praise, declaring your splendor all day long.
Ps 71:9 Do not cast me away when I am old; i do not forsake me when my strength is gone.
Ps 71:10 For my enemies speak against me; those who wait to kill me conspire together.
Ps 71:11 They say, “God has forsaken him; pursue him and seize him, for no one will rescue him.”
Ps 71:12 Be not far from me, O God; come quickly, O my God, to help me.
Ps 71:13 May my accusers perish in shame; may those who want to harm me be covered with scorn and disgrace.
Ps 71:14 But as for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more.
Ps 71:15 My mouth will tell of your righteousness, of your salvation all day long, though I know not its measure.
Ps 71:16 I will come and proclaim your mighty acts, O Sovereign LORD; I will proclaim your righteousness, yours alone.
Ps 71:17 Since my youth, O God, you have taught me, and to this day I declare your marvelous deeds.
Ps 71:18 Even when I am old and gray, do not forsake me, O God, till I declare your power to the next generation, your might to all who are to come.
Ps 71:19 Your righteousness reaches to the skies, O God, you who have done great things. Who, O God, is like you?
Ps 71:20 Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up.
Ps 71:21 You will increase my honor and comfort me once again.
This road God has put me on is far from my comfort zone...I can't make myself snap out of this...I can't manipulate the situation to get better...i am not in control....for once in my life God has all the cards and i know that is just how it should be. God wants to be the head of my life, and i have kept him as the co-pilot but that is where i should be. God is the head of my life and i will look to Him to lead me. And having such a godly husband constantly keeps me looking to Christ. I know i am in the right place but it is hard to stay here. Well as the bed is my main hang out place right now and i am working on watching every movie we own, i will look to Christ to make me what He wants me to be, and seek His comfort and His strength, because without Him i am nothing.
But i feel God constantly with me reminding me that He will restore my health and is comforting me. Today He brought me to Psalm 71:1-21
Psalm 71
Ps 71:1 In you, O LORD, I have taken refuge; let me never be put to shame.
Ps 71:2 Rescue me and deliver me in your righteousness; turn your ear to me and save me.
Ps 71:3 Be my rock of refuge, to which I can always go; give the command to save me, for you are my rock and my fortress.
Ps 71:4 Deliver me, O my God, from the hand of the wicked, from the grasp of evil and cruel men.
Ps 71:5 For you have been my hope, O Sovereign LORD, my confidence since my youth.
Ps 71:6 From birth a I have relied on you; you brought me forth from my mother’s womb. I will ever praise you.
Ps 71:7 I have become like a portent to many, but you are my strong refuge.
Ps 71:8 My mouth is filled with your praise, declaring your splendor all day long.
Ps 71:9 Do not cast me away when I am old; i do not forsake me when my strength is gone.
Ps 71:10 For my enemies speak against me; those who wait to kill me conspire together.
Ps 71:11 They say, “God has forsaken him; pursue him and seize him, for no one will rescue him.”
Ps 71:12 Be not far from me, O God; come quickly, O my God, to help me.
Ps 71:13 May my accusers perish in shame; may those who want to harm me be covered with scorn and disgrace.
Ps 71:14 But as for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more.
Ps 71:15 My mouth will tell of your righteousness, of your salvation all day long, though I know not its measure.
Ps 71:16 I will come and proclaim your mighty acts, O Sovereign LORD; I will proclaim your righteousness, yours alone.
Ps 71:17 Since my youth, O God, you have taught me, and to this day I declare your marvelous deeds.
Ps 71:18 Even when I am old and gray, do not forsake me, O God, till I declare your power to the next generation, your might to all who are to come.
Ps 71:19 Your righteousness reaches to the skies, O God, you who have done great things. Who, O God, is like you?
Ps 71:20 Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up.
Ps 71:21 You will increase my honor and comfort me once again.
This road God has put me on is far from my comfort zone...I can't make myself snap out of this...I can't manipulate the situation to get better...i am not in control....for once in my life God has all the cards and i know that is just how it should be. God wants to be the head of my life, and i have kept him as the co-pilot but that is where i should be. God is the head of my life and i will look to Him to lead me. And having such a godly husband constantly keeps me looking to Christ. I know i am in the right place but it is hard to stay here. Well as the bed is my main hang out place right now and i am working on watching every movie we own, i will look to Christ to make me what He wants me to be, and seek His comfort and His strength, because without Him i am nothing.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
being pregnant and biploar
well it has been a few months since my last post and since then i have gotten married and now my husband and i are expecting our first child on june 7th!!!! wow what a year it has been i never thought ever in my life i would find someone who would marry me, and now i am going to be a mom!!!
when i first found out i was pregnant we went to see my psychiatrist first and she took me off my two meds i take for bipolar and let me tell you it was hard going off meds in four days!!! for all planning to be pregnant and are on any type of meds plan ahead!!! going off meds quickly is not fun!!! i was able to stay on other meds i take for other health issues, but i was still scared my moods would be really bad. but by the grace of God and how He has designed pregnancy my hormones kicked in and i have been doing very well!!!
Being pregnant is very exciting and i am so thankful i get to experience this!! I have been on bed rest cause i nearly lost the baby but God has used this as a time to draw me closer to Himself; which is something i have prayed for for a long time. Hopefully i get to get off complete bed rest next trimester, but until then i have decided to join a bible study that has a craft time so i can learn to crochet some baby stuff. And i am going to pray more and learn that i don't have to do everything myself but to fully rely on Jesus has the source of my strength. I am only human and i know God has used this to remind me of that. I push myself much further than i should most of the time and this is the first time in many years that i am forced by God to sit and rely totally on Him and embrace the wonderful things He has brought in my life this year. I am so thankful for my husband who has been there for me non-stop from the beginning i know that i could never have maintained a focus on God if not for him. And the rest of my family has been so supportive i am a very blessed woman and praise God continually for that!!!!
when i first found out i was pregnant we went to see my psychiatrist first and she took me off my two meds i take for bipolar and let me tell you it was hard going off meds in four days!!! for all planning to be pregnant and are on any type of meds plan ahead!!! going off meds quickly is not fun!!! i was able to stay on other meds i take for other health issues, but i was still scared my moods would be really bad. but by the grace of God and how He has designed pregnancy my hormones kicked in and i have been doing very well!!!
Being pregnant is very exciting and i am so thankful i get to experience this!! I have been on bed rest cause i nearly lost the baby but God has used this as a time to draw me closer to Himself; which is something i have prayed for for a long time. Hopefully i get to get off complete bed rest next trimester, but until then i have decided to join a bible study that has a craft time so i can learn to crochet some baby stuff. And i am going to pray more and learn that i don't have to do everything myself but to fully rely on Jesus has the source of my strength. I am only human and i know God has used this to remind me of that. I push myself much further than i should most of the time and this is the first time in many years that i am forced by God to sit and rely totally on Him and embrace the wonderful things He has brought in my life this year. I am so thankful for my husband who has been there for me non-stop from the beginning i know that i could never have maintained a focus on God if not for him. And the rest of my family has been so supportive i am a very blessed woman and praise God continually for that!!!!
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Together Again!!!!
Hi readers sorry i have not posted in a while. Aaron arrived a couple weeks ago and planning my wedding has taken up all my time, but as always my Bipolar always makes sure it gets to come too. Having Aaron with me most of the time now has helped me manage my moments so much, but knowing the 99% of the management is up to me is helping me make sure i don't take advantage of his kindness. Many days the last month i had some very bad mood days. They got so bad i missed work a few days because i couldn't get my mood under control. Mostly lately my moods have been depressive and those are the worst because it is like a rope is tied around my leg and it pulls me into a hole. There in that hole i sit and go deeper inside myself. i had a depressive mood for a few days last month and it was so hard to pull myself out of that hole, and looking back now it is hard to remember exactly how i did get out of it, but over all i know that in those times God is guiding me out.
I really hate being depressed it is the hardest part of bipolar for me because after the mood is over i really don't remember what i have done. Sometimes i realize that i have hurt people or said cruel things and not knowing i did that is very painful. I always pray for God to constantly keep me aware of my moods so i can turn them around before they get too bad. But then there are the other times when they come on so fast i just give in and don't fight them. Those moods where very frequent last month and i think they come more when i am stressed.
Well now that Aaron is here and we are about to get married in 25 days i am realizing that things are going to be better, but not in a way that all my moods will go away. My moods will always be here waiting to come and go as much as they want, but knowing that he will be there with me to help guide me to God when i am too weak in my mood to try to get better. I love have a partner in Christ it makes the bad times seem less intense and with the love he has for me (which i know is straight from Christ) keeps me grounded in God and daily following Christ that i may live for Christ and fight my Bipolar daily that I may use it to glorify Christ!!!
I really hate being depressed it is the hardest part of bipolar for me because after the mood is over i really don't remember what i have done. Sometimes i realize that i have hurt people or said cruel things and not knowing i did that is very painful. I always pray for God to constantly keep me aware of my moods so i can turn them around before they get too bad. But then there are the other times when they come on so fast i just give in and don't fight them. Those moods where very frequent last month and i think they come more when i am stressed.
Well now that Aaron is here and we are about to get married in 25 days i am realizing that things are going to be better, but not in a way that all my moods will go away. My moods will always be here waiting to come and go as much as they want, but knowing that he will be there with me to help guide me to God when i am too weak in my mood to try to get better. I love have a partner in Christ it makes the bad times seem less intense and with the love he has for me (which i know is straight from Christ) keeps me grounded in God and daily following Christ that i may live for Christ and fight my Bipolar daily that I may use it to glorify Christ!!!
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