The past few days have not gone well. My moods have been very unstable, and I have narrowed it down to me switching back to my old meds. So tonight I went back to the med that my doctor put me on to nurse with. That med I felt so much better on. It is days like this that scare me because I worry how I am going to take care of Katherine if I am alone and am so down that I can't even take care of myself. This evening was an evening where the switch was flipped. (For those who are not sure what I am referring to please read my previous post and you will understand.) The switch was flipped and this horrible crazy mood lasted for most of the day and progressed to a raging inferno well into this evening. You may be asking why I am sharing this with you? I want to start a real honesty with my blog so you can see into the mind of someone with bipolar that when we have these moods it is never something we choose to happen. I sure wish that I could control when my moods happen but I am unable to do so. But as my mood progressed Aaron stood by me making sure I was okay and didn't do any harm to myself. As sometimes during these moods I don't think in my right mind and will do most anything to make it stop. But today I walked out the door and took a walk by myself which is something I should never do when I am in a mood, but I did it anyway. I walked out the door and around the block, and when I came back I found Aaron waiting for me and very worried. As I have mentioned before that I don't remember much of what I do or say during these moods, and at this point I don't remember what happened when I got home except that sometime later the mood broke. I cried for what seemed like an endless period then went on to play some Mario and make guacamole and chips.
I am worried and full of so many questions. Being a parent is so far from anything I ever thought I would do with my life. I don't feel at all equipped to be Katherine's mother, and at the moment with her still being in the NICU I don't even feel like a mother because I have spent so little time with her. She is 3wks old today and quickly gaining weight, and in a few weeks will probably be home leaving this time far behind us. But until that day we are in the midst of trial and a day that raises many questions about my abilities.
I know that God says that He will equip us to do the work that He has set before us, but today I feel more and more less equipped to be a mother to Katherine. I feel that having Bipolar is the road block in my way of fully being equipped to be her mother.
2Timothy 3:16-17
16 All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, 17 so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.
I read this but am in the valley of my trial where all I can see is mountains surrounding me and have no idea how I will ever climb over them to the other side where my answer is waiting for me.
I feel that my bipolar is preventing me from being the kind of mother and wife I want to be, but I also know that God is God and has a great plan for me life. I know that He would not put something into my life that would prevent His great plan for me from coming to pass. So in spite of my doubts and many questions as to how I am to accomplish all of this I will still trust in Him.
Readers I will leave you with Psalm 37:3-7, this will be my reminder that God has a great plan for me and I am to wait for Him to complete it.
Psalm 37:3-7
3 Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. 4 Delight yourself in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart. 5 Commit your way to the LORD; trust in Him and He will do this: 6 He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. 7 Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for Him
No comments:
Post a Comment