negative or positive?

I have to say honestly that i have spent most of my life being very negative about almost everything.  I have always wondered is this apart of my personality or is it just the Bipolar rearing its ugly head....well unfortunately i still don't have a clear conclusion.  I get so frustrated with myself because the negative mood usually starts when i am going to do something fun.  Like on Sundays for example, my mom leads worship at the church i go to and i play the piano and sing. Music has always been a large part of my life and a big outlet for my emotions, but for some reason when i am walking into the church or wherever i plan to play and sing, or do anything musical, i start to become extremely negative.  I know what my attitude is showing, but for some reason in those moments all i can do is be a very nasty person.

During my teen years it used to be much much worse mainly because i hadn't let God heal some deep pain in my life, but those pains are gone and i know my heart has healed from the past. So why then, why am I like this? I wish i knew the answer, but i don't and i fear i never will.

With this negative attitude i have driven away friends, hurt people unknowlingly, and mostly embaressed my self and those close to me. I really don't want to be like this anymore. And weather this is apart of my Bipolar or not is not the issue, because in this case i will not use my Bipolar as a get out of jail free card. We are all accountable for our actions mental illness or not.  I have to ask forgiveness to people i hurt by my negative attitude because i am always responsible for my actions.  So remember that no matter what type of mental illness you may have the things you do you are responsible for them.  No one can get away with doing wrong, but even if they do here on earth God knows what we have done.  But God is a God of compassion and through Jesus Christ we have forgiveness, mercey and love through Christ's death on the cross and His resurrection.  Please don't loose heart Christ always has forgiveness and love waiting all we have to do is ask.

The next part after being forgiven is to repent which means to turn; with the help of Christ in our lives He will help us turn from our sinful ways and make new habits and actions that show God's love to others.  This is what i need to do now with my negative attitude is make the next step to try and not give in to its pull.  I don't want to be an unpleasant person to be around and the only way to not be that person is to ask for Christ's forgiveness and start again.