The past few days have not gone well. My moods have been very unstable, and I have narrowed it down to me switching back to my old meds. So tonight I went back to the med that my doctor put me on to nurse with. That med I felt so much better on. It is days like this that scare me because I worry how I am going to take care of Katherine if I am alone and am so down that I can't even take care of myself. This evening was an evening where the switch was flipped. (For those who are not sure what I am referring to please read my previous post and you will understand.) The switch was flipped and this horrible crazy mood lasted for most of the day and progressed to a raging inferno well into this evening. You may be asking why I am sharing this with you? I want to start a real honesty with my blog so you can see into the mind of someone with bipolar that when we have these moods it is never something we choose to happen. I sure wish that I could control when my moods happen but I am unable to do so. But as my mood progressed Aaron stood by me making sure I was okay and didn't do any harm to myself. As sometimes during these moods I don't think in my right mind and will do most anything to make it stop. But today I walked out the door and took a walk by myself which is something I should never do when I am in a mood, but I did it anyway. I walked out the door and around the block, and when I came back I found Aaron waiting for me and very worried. As I have mentioned before that I don't remember much of what I do or say during these moods, and at this point I don't remember what happened when I got home except that sometime later the mood broke. I cried for what seemed like an endless period then went on to play some Mario and make guacamole and chips.
I am worried and full of so many questions. Being a parent is so far from anything I ever thought I would do with my life. I don't feel at all equipped to be Katherine's mother, and at the moment with her still being in the NICU I don't even feel like a mother because I have spent so little time with her. She is 3wks old today and quickly gaining weight, and in a few weeks will probably be home leaving this time far behind us. But until that day we are in the midst of trial and a day that raises many questions about my abilities.
I know that God says that He will equip us to do the work that He has set before us, but today I feel more and more less equipped to be a mother to Katherine. I feel that having Bipolar is the road block in my way of fully being equipped to be her mother.
2Timothy 3:16-17
16 All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, 17 so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.
I read this but am in the valley of my trial where all I can see is mountains surrounding me and have no idea how I will ever climb over them to the other side where my answer is waiting for me.
I feel that my bipolar is preventing me from being the kind of mother and wife I want to be, but I also know that God is God and has a great plan for me life. I know that He would not put something into my life that would prevent His great plan for me from coming to pass. So in spite of my doubts and many questions as to how I am to accomplish all of this I will still trust in Him.
Readers I will leave you with Psalm 37:3-7, this will be my reminder that God has a great plan for me and I am to wait for Him to complete it.
Psalm 37:3-7
3 Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. 4 Delight yourself in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart. 5 Commit your way to the LORD; trust in Him and He will do this: 6 He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. 7 Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for Him
Friday, May 4, 2012
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Getting myself taken care of and my blog's new purpose!!!
Life is going good right now. Being on my meds has helped so much I am starting to feel like my old self and it feels so good. I have gone back to work a little bit and have been able to do things that because of being pregnant I couldn't do. Wow I forget how much I love staying productive and busy until there are lots of things that I can't do, or are so tired that all I can do is sleep. I am so thankful for God restoring my body to its former health.
In my last post I mentioned that I am no longer pumping breast milk for Katherine because I needed to go back on my meds, and this has gone very well. My doctor put me on my old med routine and I have been able to handle so much more throughout the day. It was scary right after her birth I felt that support of pregnancy hormones just fall out from under me. And now being on my meds for a little over a week now I am starting to see the real me come back. The me that doesn't cry at the drop of a hat or have moods that go up and down in short periods of time. When my bipolar moods flare up I feel like there is almost someone else in my head that flips a switch to a fake me that says and does things that I don't mean or most of the time after the mood has past I really don't remember much of what I did or said. And that is the scariest part!!! For those of you like myself are SpongeBob fans, you may recall the episode that Plankton goes inside his head and takes control of SpongeBob's movements and speech. That is what I feel kind of happens to me when I am in a mood, and it is so scary. I wish I had control of that switch and when I feel that it is about to be turned on I can reach over and turn it off so I don't have to go through that nor do the people around me at the time have to deal with it as well. I really wish I didn't have bipolar, but it is the cross that Jesus has allowed me to bare and with His strength I can endure. But I don't want to simply endure this cross I want to let it be the glory of Christ through me!! Many times during my pregnancy I tried to find resources for people with bipolar who chose the no meds route I did and had some advice on how to get through it, and my search 9 times out of 10 came out empty. I felt very alone most of the time because I couldn't find someone who had gone or was going through what I was going through. Most of the women I found online stayed on their meds during pregnancy and I chose not to stay on mine so they were of little help. So I have decided to re-purpose my blog as a help to women who are struggling with bipolar or mental illness and want to be pregnant and need support and hope that it is possible. I am not going to say that this has been easy for me cause in reality this has been one the hardest things I have ever been through, but the rewards have been great so far. I have a beautiful daughter to start with, a very supportive and loving husband and family, and most important I have grown in Christ more than I ever imagined I would.
Having this baby and being on this journey has brought me to a closeness with Christ that I have wanted and never thought I could have, and I know is a vital life source if I am to be the kind of mother and wife that I desire to be.
So to all the readers out there who know of someone going through this or are going through it themselves or think that motherhood is not possible for those struggling with mental illness it can happen and is possible. You can be a great mother!!! I was so afraid to be a parent because of my bipolar but being a wife and mother are the best gifts I have ever been given. These take an enormous amount of work and need a good support team in hand but it can be achieved. Mental illness is not who you are it is just something that one struggles with. Don't loose hope, trust in Christ and He will guide you to His purpose for your life.
In my last post I mentioned that I am no longer pumping breast milk for Katherine because I needed to go back on my meds, and this has gone very well. My doctor put me on my old med routine and I have been able to handle so much more throughout the day. It was scary right after her birth I felt that support of pregnancy hormones just fall out from under me. And now being on my meds for a little over a week now I am starting to see the real me come back. The me that doesn't cry at the drop of a hat or have moods that go up and down in short periods of time. When my bipolar moods flare up I feel like there is almost someone else in my head that flips a switch to a fake me that says and does things that I don't mean or most of the time after the mood has past I really don't remember much of what I did or said. And that is the scariest part!!! For those of you like myself are SpongeBob fans, you may recall the episode that Plankton goes inside his head and takes control of SpongeBob's movements and speech. That is what I feel kind of happens to me when I am in a mood, and it is so scary. I wish I had control of that switch and when I feel that it is about to be turned on I can reach over and turn it off so I don't have to go through that nor do the people around me at the time have to deal with it as well. I really wish I didn't have bipolar, but it is the cross that Jesus has allowed me to bare and with His strength I can endure. But I don't want to simply endure this cross I want to let it be the glory of Christ through me!! Many times during my pregnancy I tried to find resources for people with bipolar who chose the no meds route I did and had some advice on how to get through it, and my search 9 times out of 10 came out empty. I felt very alone most of the time because I couldn't find someone who had gone or was going through what I was going through. Most of the women I found online stayed on their meds during pregnancy and I chose not to stay on mine so they were of little help. So I have decided to re-purpose my blog as a help to women who are struggling with bipolar or mental illness and want to be pregnant and need support and hope that it is possible. I am not going to say that this has been easy for me cause in reality this has been one the hardest things I have ever been through, but the rewards have been great so far. I have a beautiful daughter to start with, a very supportive and loving husband and family, and most important I have grown in Christ more than I ever imagined I would.
Having this baby and being on this journey has brought me to a closeness with Christ that I have wanted and never thought I could have, and I know is a vital life source if I am to be the kind of mother and wife that I desire to be.
So to all the readers out there who know of someone going through this or are going through it themselves or think that motherhood is not possible for those struggling with mental illness it can happen and is possible. You can be a great mother!!! I was so afraid to be a parent because of my bipolar but being a wife and mother are the best gifts I have ever been given. These take an enormous amount of work and need a good support team in hand but it can be achieved. Mental illness is not who you are it is just something that one struggles with. Don't loose hope, trust in Christ and He will guide you to His purpose for your life.
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