Jesus has compassion!!!

Over the weekend I attended a women's retreat hosted by my church and I was inspired and touched by the story in Mark 5:21-34 (shown below)

    

  When Jesus had again crossed over by boat to the other side of the lake,  a large crowd gathered around him while he was by the lake.  Then one of the synagogue rulers, a  named Jairus, came there. Seeing Jesus, he fell at his feet and pleaded earnestly with him, “My little daughter is dying. Please come and put your hands on   her so that she will be healed and live.”  So Jesus went with him. A large crowd followed and pressed around him.  And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding   for twelve years. She had suffered a great deal under the care of many doctors and had spent all she had, yet instead of getting better she grew worse.  When she heard about Jesus, she came up behind him in the crowd and touched his cloak, because she thought, “If I just touch his clothes,  I will be healed.”  Immediately her bleeding stopped and she felt in her body that she was freed from her suffering.  At once Jesus realized that power   had gone out from him. He turned around in the crowd and asked, “Who touched my clothes?”  “You see the people crowding against you,” his disciples answered, “and yet you can ask, ‘Who touched me?’ ”  But Jesus kept looking around to see who had done it.  Then the woman, knowing what had happened to her, came and fell at his feet and, trembling with fear, told him the whole truth.  He said to her, “Daughter, your faith has healed you.   Go in peace   and be freed from your suffering.”

   The woman came to Jesus in desperation knowing that He was her only hope of ever being healed.  Being considered unclean by her culture it was very brave of her to come out and pursue Jesus.  Jesus met her needs on such an individual level. How special and loved she must have felt by having someone really care about her and not treat her like an outcast, but as a real person who just wants to be loved and free from her burden.  Jesus meets us in similar ways everyday of our lives all we have to do is have faith and wait for His timing that we may touch Him.    

     As I sat in the room among ladies reading about this  bleeding woman who was an outcast it reminded me so much of myself.  I have felt so much like an outcast in my life.  I have always felt so different from my friends and others my age.  They always seemed so happy and excited and I saw myself alone and feeling many times like I was going crazy.  I saw myself as the crazy kid but not in a good way.  

      Reading this story in light of how God has met me through this blog I realize that in a large way I have been able to touch even the hem of Christ's clothes.   And just as the bleeding woman remained unhealed for 12 years I too was undiagnosed for most of my life. Like the woman my mom took me to doctors trying to find help but no one ever really saw what I needed. And after being properly diagnosed nearly 4 years ago I was able to start leading a semi-normal life. This happened in even the small ways by being able to go through the day with a depressive mood that only lasted a few hours compared to a few days or weeks.  Some may say reading this "wow that isnt much a healing." but to me that is more than I thought I would ever get. There are many times when I cry out to God and ask Him to take this from me, but that is when He comes and lets me once again lets me touch just the hem of His garment and I am given more of His strength.

       I have often thought about my life without Bipolar and to be honest I believe that I would have never had the need to rely on God this much.  I need Christ and His salvation, I need His love, I need His strength, I need Jesus!!! So remember healing comes in many forms but not always what we ask for, and so I challenge you to look for the jewels and pray for the moments where he lets you touch just the hem of His garment.   Because there is a jewel from even a touch!!!

God Does Provide!!!

I have doubted God's provision for  so much lately and I have questioned if He even forgot about me.  People in my life have encouraged me to keep trusting in God, but I am sorry to say that words many times were not enough for me.  Even though i was doubting I knew that I didn't need to.  God says that He is my Jehova Jirha  the Lord my provider and His word is true!
     Why have I said all this? Because this week God has shown me once again that He is with me and is always providing for me.  I many times let my Bipolar become an excuse for me to wallow in my dispare but He has shown me that that is never an excuse.  I have the holy spirit within me and if I pray and ask the Lord for guidence and provision He will come to my aid!! I just need wait and listen for His voice.  Well this week I was waiting for it and I heard it.
    As I was about to give up on some special things in my wedding plans (i am getting married july 30th) God spoke through some friends of mine and used them to provide for my need! I was so shocked at the level of their generosity and I was immediately convicted of my doubt. The Lord continued to show me by bringing 2 Kings 4:1-7 to my mind:

2 Kings 4

The Widow’s Olive Oil

 ¹ The wife of a man from the company of the prophets cried out to Elisha, “Your servant my husband is dead, and you know that he revered the LORD. But now his creditor is coming to take my two boys as his slaves.”  ² Elisha replied to her, “How can I help you? Tell me, what do you have in your house?”
   “Your servant has nothing there at all,” she said, “except a small jar of olive oil.”
 ³ Elisha said, “Go around and ask all your neighbors for empty jars. Don’t ask for just a few. ⁴ Then go inside and shut the door behind you and your sons. Pour oil into all the jars, and as each is filled, put it to one side.”
 ⁵ She left him and shut the door behind her and her sons. They brought the jars to her and she kept pouring. ⁶ When all the jars were full, she said to her son, “Bring me another one.”
   But he replied, “There is not a jar left.” Then the oil stopped flowing.
 ⁷ She went and told the man of God, and he said, “Go, sell the oil and pay your debts. You and your sons can live on what is left.”
 (http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2%20Kings+4&version=NIV)

I remembered this story in the bible and for the first time it became real and I realized that having Bipolar is no excuse for staying in my state of depression I need to seek the Lord and ask for His provision.  This woman was given the amount of her need and some left over that goes beyond her need. I pray that I am blessed this way but I do daily pray that God puts in me the ability to stand against my first choice which is to wallow and ask for the Lord to provide. 

The Comfort of God

Sunday's sermon on Psalm 71 was a real comfort to me. I saw a reality that God does comfort us. Sometimes in my walk with Bipolar I feel very alone, and I am seeing now that Satan enjoys making me feel like i am the only one who goes through this.  And you may be thinking "Well that's silly many people all over the world have Bipolar."  But look at my perspective if you have cancer everyone knows and the Church prays regularly for you, but if I am struggling with my Bipolar I can't ask for prayer from the Church, and no one will know once again I am passed by.  Bipolar is just as important as any illness and I pray someday the Christian community would recognize this and start reaching out to people.
     I want my illness to be recognized and prayed for just as much as the next person who has cancer or any other illness.  I pray that my Blog will help people see the real side of a mental illness and that is we didn't choose to be this way just like someone doesn't choose to have cancer. I can't just work away my Bipolar it is here to stay unless God decides to heal me.  So don't expect those with a mental illness to just "snap out of it" cause that will never happen, and trust me if I could "snap out of it" I would have a long time ago.
     We all have daily struggles  and this is mine.  It is so hard sometimes to fight back my depression and put up a new post for you all.  But i am seeing that God has a plan for all my writing so with His strength I press on.  I want to show the world that God is my strength and with out Him I can't make it.
      So back to my mention of my pastor's sermon on Psalm 71 here is the scripture below:
(and just a snipet i got this off biblegateway.com this is a great resource and you can even view it on a mobile device!!!!)

Psalm 71

 ¹ In you, LORD, I have taken refuge;
   let me never be put to shame.
² In your righteousness, rescue me and deliver me;
   turn your ear to me and save me.
³ Be my rock of refuge,
   to which I can always go;
give the command to save me,
   for you are my rock and my fortress.
⁴ Deliver me, my God, from the hand of the wicked,
   from the grasp of those who are evil and cruel.  ⁵ For you have been my hope, Sovereign LORD,
   my confidence since my youth.
⁶ From birth I have relied on you;
   you brought me forth from my mother’s womb.
   I will ever praise you.
⁷ I have become a sign to many;
   you are my strong refuge.
⁸ My mouth is filled with your praise,
   declaring your splendor all day long.
 ⁹ Do not cast me away when I am old;
   do not forsake me when my strength is gone.
¹⁰ For my enemies speak against me;
   those who wait to kill me conspire together.
¹¹ They say, “God has forsaken him;
   pursue him and seize him,
   for no one will rescue him.”
¹² Do not be far from me, my God;
   come quickly, God, to help me.
¹³ May my accusers perish in shame;
   may those who want to harm me
   be covered with scorn and disgrace.
 ¹⁴ As for me, I will always have hope;
   I will praise you more and more.
 ¹⁵ My mouth will tell of your righteous deeds,
   of your saving acts all day long—
   though I know not how to relate them all.
¹⁶ I will come and proclaim your mighty acts, Sovereign LORD;
   I will proclaim your righteous deeds, yours alone.
¹⁷ Since my youth, God, you have taught me,
   and to this day I declare your marvelous deeds.
¹⁸ Even when I am old and gray,
   do not forsake me, my God,
till I declare your power to the next generation,
   your mighty acts to all who are to come.
 ¹⁹ Your righteousness, God, reaches to the heavens,
   you who have done great things.
   Who is like you, God?
²⁰ Though you have made me see troubles,
   many and bitter,
   you will restore my life again;
from the depths of the earth
   you will again bring me up.
²¹ You will increase my honor
   and comfort me once more.
 ²² I will praise you with the harp
   for your faithfulness, my God;
I will sing praise to you with the lyre,
   Holy One of Israel.
²³ My lips will shout for joy
   when I sing praise to you—
   I whom you have delivered.
²⁴ My tongue will tell of your righteous acts
   all day long,
for those who wanted to harm me
   have been put to shame and confusion.


Please take in these words that were written by a man that has many struggles of hi sown. The book of Psalms has been and will continue to be my place to go when i need to remember God's voice.  God does comfort us and give us refuge all we have to do is ask and wait.  For in my struggle with Bipolar God is my refuge and my comfort!!!!

happy days!

Hey readers today was a pretty good day in spite of my little depressive mood that i had for a while.  Many times i ponder why my life has taken this turn and how different my life would be if i never had Bipolar.  Without Bipolar i know that i would have been spared many pains, hurts, and confusion of what was wrong with me.  I spent many years of my life feeling so different from my peers and puzzled why I couldn't just be like everyone else.  The hardest part of my childhood was seeing how cheerful and happy other girls and boys seemed to be, and i just hard a time being happy.  life just seemed so easy for others and for me it seemed to always be a struggle.  All i have ever wanted was to be normal; like everyone else. But what is normal anyway? Can anyone really answer that? Well of course they may try but they won't succeed because I believe that God allows barriers in our lives that seem like something to make our lives harder, but in the end they become a blessing that in turn helps others.  I am starting to see this turn starting in my own life and the future is really starting to excite me.  I my struggles coming to a point that they turn into a package that God wants me to share with the world.  Sharing my story wow that is something i never thought would happen and seeing just the little ways God has used my story thus far is encouraging me to go deeper into my past than ever before.  Because i know that God has hidden jewels in my past that are left there for me to discover and share the joy of the discovery with the world! well readers keep reading my posts cause i have many jewels to share with you!!!!

good mood...bad mood

well today is mothers day and i had a great day with my mom we had so much fun! But now i am home and my mood has turned around into a bad mood where i really have no reason why i am grumpy but i am and that is what i hate about Bipolar most of all.  I will one minute be happy and enjoying myself then the little green monster in my head turns on the grumpy switch the one that says "hey lets make rose a bit#h".  Usually at that point i say sarcastically to myself, "wow and isn't it fun i just love being grumpy and have no way to snap out of it".  I hate having Bipolar and everything that comes with it and many times such as this i sit and cry inside wishing that i could some how in my puny insignificant human self convince God to take it back and change His mind. 
      As we all know that isn't possible I can't make God do anything but i can sure try right? 

sorry readers i dont have any encourageing words for you today all i have is reality.  This is the reality of one with Bipolar and what ever you thought it was like and how maybe you thought well they just take their pills and it makes it all perfect!!! sorry but that is a load of BS!!! It isnt possible for anyone to be happy all the time let alone for someone with Bipolar. so in moments like these when i am grumpy and bad mood has set in all i know how to get through it is to hang on to Jesus because He is the only way i will make it through this life!!!!  Dont ever give into the lie that anyone can make it alone we need Jesus I need Jesus and His love His mercy and His grace!!! Just take His hand and hold on!

Dreams lost then found

Since I was diagnosed with Bipolar 5 years ago it has been hard for me to really see myself ever having a boyfriend or even get married. But Feb 2010 I was reconnected with an old childhood friend Aaron Myers.  We talked a lot and soon after we started dateing and in December we became engaged now we are set to marry on July 30th and it is a dream that I felt I had lost long ago and now is found!!! Many people have been surprised by this and I have to tell them so am I! And I say all this because I was afraid that I would never find anyone that could make the commitment to stand by me through all my emotional ups and downs.  And when I told Aaron that I have Bipolar he wasn't scared off or freaked out he loved me even more and has stood by all my moods and continues to do so. 
I say all this to encourage those who are single right now with a mental illness and may be thinking "who will ever love me like this" well there is someone out there for you someone who will love all of you and never leave even when things get hard.  I have had many fears that I had to deal with this last year being with Aaron, because on top of having Bipolar I have many emotional wounds that run deep into my childhood that starts with an abusive father.  But last year God opened a door for healing.  I had lost my dreams of ever being a wife, a mother, or ever being loved by a man.  And when Aaron came into my life I found that my fears and doubts had no grounds to stay and I trusted God and my heart was healed. This was a big turning point in being able to better manage my Bipolar because stress and anxiety makes the moods worse so being able to get rid of the stress of those hurts was a dream found.
Aaron is my dream found and I see it more becoming more true everyday closer to my wedding. Because not only do I have a man that loves me, but one that wants to walk through my Bipolar with me and not leave me alone.  Don't loose heart dear reader's there is hope and you don't have to manage your mental illness alone, get help and talk out your stress and deal with your pain and hurts! but most of all no one can manage their mental illness with out God, well you can try but put God in your life and He takes the wheel so you can find your dream!!!!

the day is bright then....crash

Much of my life is a battle between "wow I am so happy" and "nothing is working i am failure...." many would say "oh everyone goes through that sometimes" but I am not apart of that everyone group.  When my moods go hot and cold on me I have no choice as to when they should stop. most people if they are down they can find some way to cheer themselves up, but with bipolar depression it is like a little man is in my head controling my mood and I have no power over him. Now to many out there that may seem like a copout well I will tell you that no one really wants to be depressed or so happy they cant focus or sit still to do anything. When I start to fall into a depressive mode it can last hours to days sometimes it can last for a week or more for me. This part is the most physically draining. 
    I hate having bipolar I wouldnt wish this on my worst enimey it is many times a living nightmare.  Sometimes I feel that if I just cry loud enough or sit alone long enough it would just go away, but that has never been God's will for me.  I have been called to bare this burden and many times I hate it, but God gives me strength for each day so I can get up take my pills and go to work.
      well yes medication does play a core role in my life with out my meds I would not be living independent and working full time.  I really hate taking medication but for me I spent so many years trying to get help that I dont want to have to go back to that place I was in.  That place was full of suffering, constant thoughts of suicide, and wishing every night I wouldnt wake up the next day. I thankfully never had the strength to kill myself because I was afraid of experienceing more pain and that I would go to hell away from God.   I asked Christ in my life at 13 and being 25 now I look back on my life and see that I spent 20 years of my life in emotional truama because no one but my mom saw that inside my brain I was suffering.  
          Now to try and settle an issue that people with a mental illness should just snap out of it, sorry that is not possible.  That is like asking someone with Cancer to just snap out of it. They can't because they're body is being attacked by an illness, and that is the same as someone with a mental illness. I am being attacked daily by the illness that lives in my brain and I try daily to fight it, but there are days when the meds don't work and I am a mess, but through all of those days and the good days God is always holding me.

Why I never told, and why I am now

Five years ago I was diagnosed with Bipolar II disorder.  Before the diagnosis my mom and I were desperate to get doctors to see that I needed help and no one listened until I nearly went into a mental hospital. All of my life I have tried to save my good moods for when I went out around people so that I was never made fun of or stereotyped, and I continue this today.  But last year I met a wonderful man Aaron, and God used him to show me that I dont need to feel ashamed of having Bipolar because I have done nothing wrong.  But how do you step out of the box you put yourself in that felt so safe to a world that may hurt and reject you? Well God showed me that if I continue to live my life in that box I will shut out the people that really care and I will loose many opportunities to share the love of Christ in me. 
          I have searched for the reason why God allowed me to to have Bipolar and never heard an answer until now. God wants me to share my struggles to help and comfort others who are going through the same pain I am in.  I would have never wanted this to be my answer because I have been too afraid for the world to know my secret self.  But seeing stars like Catherine Zita Jones come out this past month with Bipolar encouraged me to come out and share my story as well. I no longer want to live in fear of the world and its judgements because if Christ is for me than who can be against me!!!!!